stargazer673's Journal

Earlier another dream I had last night came to me...

I was waiting outside for my mom to pick me up.  We were going somewhere (which I didn't (know where)).  She shows up and I get in her car and she drives off.  Suddenly things change and I'm out of the car and I'm trying to get a new apartment at some exotic place.  Hicham wasn't in my life so it was just me.  I got approved for the apartment and I was moving in when weird things started happening.  I had children and I was trying to feed them...but the apartments were in Alaska or someplace cold like that.  There was only two ways out of the apartment...one was to a dinning room (kinda like it is for older adults who live in a senior community where they have their room but to eat they have to go to a dinning room) and the other was into a body of water.  We make it into the room but they refuse to feed us because of the children.  Suddenly I'm being moved out (against my will)...they have all my stuff on a boat waiting for me.  Hicham appears and tells me that I need to go with him.

And that is all I remember

In other news....

Hicham might soon be a police officer.  He passed all the interviews, polygraph tests, physical tests, and back ground checks..  He was told that they would put everything together in a resume looking thing and give it to the chief of police and let him decide if they want to hire Hicham.  Which is great.  This is a big deal...he seems really happy about it too.  I'm proud of him and will be even more so if he actually gets the job.  The only issue I will have with the job is that Hicham will have to carry a gun and I don't think it's a good idea to have a gun in the house...especially with the voices and my depression.

I kinda jokingly told him that he shouldn't mention to them that he has a crazy wife.  He got made.  He told me that I wasn't crazy...that I was just depressed.  Funny huh?

After he made that statement he went out with his friends leaving me alone.

I feel so (SO) down right now and the voices are demanding things.  I dont' know how long I'm going to be able to fight them.  I mean I lose strength everyday I do fight them and everyday it gets harder.  One day I'm just going to have had enough and I'll give up.

And they are obsessed with me overdosing....that is their command right now.  They are telling me to take all the pills in my planner and in my "stash"...  I look ahead (as best as I can) to see what would happen if I took these pills right now.  I would die.  I don't see how it would make the voices happy but they are saying it would...but if I die they are gone..they will no longer exist...how can that make them happy.  I think about the likelyhood of being found before something bad happens...and that is slim...Larbi is asleep and Hicham is with the new guys at an auto auction.

The thing is that (and I think I've already said this) I'm so tired of fighting.  I want them gone or I want to give up.  Which (right now) seems most important....and that really is just giving up.  I dont' see an end to the voices...they will always be there...ALWAYS...and that means that I'll always be fighting.

What should I do?  *sigh*

Hicham forced me to get something to eat earlier.  I wasn't hungry but he demanded that I get something...he even gave me his debit card (well it's actually my debit card as it has MY name on it...the bank won't give him a debit card because his credit is so bad) to get something to eat so I woudln't have to cook.