Everything is so --ed!I HATE …
Everything is so fucked!I HATE MYSELF!
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I feel really dark and down, everything seems so fucked at the moment. I was given a prescription of diazepam from my doctor to help with the flights I was supposed to take, and now all I can think is that it will now be useful to give me a long sleep. And don’t worry, anyone who reads this I am in no way planning to top myself, I’m too much of a coward to do that, and it’s just not something I’ve actually seriously considered.
I’m just so fed up, my finances are fucked, and I hate all my stupid anxieties and just the way I feel on a day to day basis, yes I have up moments, but something is always over shadowing it…this fear lurches out in the background.
I planned to go away next week, my first holiday in 5 years, and it was only up north, and now even that is taken away from me. It’s like everything I want, is just refused, I don’t know if it’s karma for the bad things I’ve done, or what, but it’s like I get so excited about something and then its just snatched away and there is nothing I can do to get it back.
I also found out yesterday that the girl I grew up with, my best friend since I was three is engaged..now I am so genuinely happy for her, and the guy is lovely, but it’s like the universe giving me a kick in the teeth, and I feel awful that I have made this about me, it’s nothing to do with me, its my friends happiness…but I can’t help but look at her, her great relationship, her beautiful home, a great job, financial security, and my friends keep saying to me, it’ll happen, it’s coming, but it’s like, I’m in such a rut, I have fucked my life, with some extraordinarily stupid choices, and I have no idea how I ended up where I am now.
The world seems to be moving so fast, and I’m just here, same old girl, nothing ever changes with me. I feel so left behind, and I hate that this depression and anxiety rules my life. It’s not fucking fair, why can’t I be like everyone else???
And I hate this self pitying shit, I know it does nothing for me, but it’s like I look at my life, and I have no idea how to change it, I don’t want to be like this, but it feels like everything is out of my control, I don’t even think I like myself that much, but what can I do??? I feel like a fraud, I smile, I laugh, everyone has this view of me as this happy-go-lucky truth, if only they knew.
I am so completely lost.
I’m just so fed up, my finances are fucked, and I hate all my stupid anxieties and just the way I feel on a day to day basis, yes I have up moments, but something is always over shadowing it…this fear lurches out in the background.
I planned to go away next week, my first holiday in 5 years, and it was only up north, and now even that is taken away from me. It’s like everything I want, is just refused, I don’t know if it’s karma for the bad things I’ve done, or what, but it’s like I get so excited about something and then its just snatched away and there is nothing I can do to get it back.
I also found out yesterday that the girl I grew up with, my best friend since I was three is engaged..now I am so genuinely happy for her, and the guy is lovely, but it’s like the universe giving me a kick in the teeth, and I feel awful that I have made this about me, it’s nothing to do with me, its my friends happiness…but I can’t help but look at her, her great relationship, her beautiful home, a great job, financial security, and my friends keep saying to me, it’ll happen, it’s coming, but it’s like, I’m in such a rut, I have fucked my life, with some extraordinarily stupid choices, and I have no idea how I ended up where I am now.
The world seems to be moving so fast, and I’m just here, same old girl, nothing ever changes with me. I feel so left behind, and I hate that this depression and anxiety rules my life. It’s not fucking fair, why can’t I be like everyone else???
And I hate this self pitying shit, I know it does nothing for me, but it’s like I look at my life, and I have no idea how to change it, I don’t want to be like this, but it feels like everything is out of my control, I don’t even think I like myself that much, but what can I do??? I feel like a fraud, I smile, I laugh, everyone has this view of me as this happy-go-lucky truth, if only they knew.
I am so completely lost.
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Oh Sweetheart. I’m so, so sorry. I only just read this and my heart is breaking for you. Please, please, please don’t take the diazepam ok ? Please ? I couldn’t bear to live without you. And that may be selfish, but I honestly don’t care. You can’t give up honey. You just can’t.
I’m absolutely gutted that you can’t come visit me anymore. Please don’t think I’m not. I mean, I’m thrilled today because I finally got my visa. But that doesn’t change how disappointed I am that I won’t see you. I’m still heartbroken about it, and I know you are too.
The thing is though, anxiety wise…things ARE getting better. You know they are. You were going to get on a plane for me honey. Do you know how HUGE that is ?! And think about how much work you’ve been doing on being able to take the tube. You’re an inspiration my dear, and don’t for one second doubt that. EVEN though you’re scared, you still do things you’re afraid of. And the only way that fear’s going to disappear is if you keep doing those things.
And there is no way you’re being punished for anything “bad” you’ve done. For one, as far as I know you haven’t DONE anything bad. You’re not a bad person. Not at all. I mean, sure, everyone makes mistakes etc…but I don’t believe that the bad luck you’re having is karma. It wouldn’t be fair, when so many evil people are running around having the time of their lives. Or at least, living normally.
I know your finances are really stressing you out. And I’m not denying that that’s a big thing. But honey, you’re still moving forwards. You just got a new job for goodness sake. And you’re doing a lot better in life than a lot of people you’re age. Maybe you mix with people who seem to have the perfect life…but so many people have REALLY fucked everything up. You are not one of them.
Please, please don’t beat yourself up for writing this. You’re not self-pitying. You’re being honest about your feelings. And I hate that you’re feeling this lost.
Please, please just try to hold onto the good things ok ? Things are changing. It may not seem like it right now, but they are. You’re SUCH a wonderful person…and you mean the world to me.
I love you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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