DyslexicBeachBum's Journal

Man, I'm finally able to get back on the internet again for more than a minute.  I've been having trouble with my ISP and connection stuff, so I haven't been able to get anything done that I've wanted to do, online anyway.

    A lot has happened this past... what, week?  Man time flies.  It's already almost the end of October... in the past I used to get depressed when I do something, and I see that I've wasted time.  I still have a great deal of problems dealing with regrets that I have for a lot of things, but I'm trying to work on them.  No, I should say WORKING on them.  The more positive language I use, the better I'll feel, especially when its something I have to do.  I don't know if I'm making much sense, I barely got any sleep today at all.

    I got fired from my job on Wednesday.  Actually, it was more like they said they would fire me, so I decided to quit, and they accepted (doesn't look so bad on my resume, eh?  Hehe).  I got fired though because there has been a ton of unnecessary pressure and stress from my supervisors at work.  I could go into detail but it's really pretty boring... to sum up after a long time of building up frustration and animosity for my work and my supervisors, I went apeshit and called one of them an extremely vulgar name which I won't repeat.  Course, as my luck always has it, both my supervisors were in the room when I thought they had left, and well, my ass was grass afterwards.  This happened on Tuesday, and on Wednesday I came in for a couple of hours, afterwhich they let me go.  

    I can't believe I got so angry at my boss.  I was enraged, and I couldn't control myself... after I realized what i did, and have all my coworkers see me do it (although they would have done the same thing if they could get away with it) I felt reallly ashamed, like a failure.  I was more down than I had been for a long time... not only because I let myself down by giving in to my emotions, and screwing up a great opportunity that I really needed, but also embarrasing my friend and his mom that helped me get hired.  After all, if a guy gets fired for insubordintation, and you helped him get there, what would you feel like?  After all that happened, I litterally felt like jumping off a cliff.  I wanted to so bad, just to freakin give up, but... instead I went home.  I dunno.  It was a weird, weird mix of emotions.

    For one thing, I mean, I feel bad because of all those things, and my misconceptions that I'm nothing but a failure, a screwup, etc. etc.  But on the other hand I feel good for what I did.  The entire workplace, including my friend and his mom, disliked my supervisor and her boss (the two I talked about) a great deal as well, and they know that their actions are moronic, self-centered and usually creates more work for everyone else.  Instead of shunning me, people that worked there actually said things like, "well I'm surprised no one did that sooner.  I would have if I had to work under her every day."  They were glad I stood up to them and questioned their authority, especially that of my boss's boss.  My direct supervisor has no experience, barely speaks English, has no idea what she's doing, and doesn't care about what we think.  Speaking outside to my boss's boss, I tried defending my actions by explaining the frustration felt by everyone in my part of the office (all my coworkers).  Literally she says to me, "you don't have the right to question my authority.  I don't need a reason for the decisions I make, and I don't need to explain to you why we do things a certain way."

    I was aghast.  I couldn't believe the stupidity of this person who was being paid 10 times as much as I was.  Accepting whatever authority has to give you, without questioning it in any way, is some of the dumbest shit you can possibly do.  If you question someone's orders, internally or externally, and find logical, factual reasons for these orders and how they are done, then that is fine.  That is what the Constitution of the United States is completely based on, having people question superiors to see what's truly right, efficient, and good for everyone.  If my boss had explain to us, even in no real detail, why this has to be done, in a logical fashion, I would never have a problem with performing my duties.  But consitently over the last three months I have been given countless tasks that end up with more work for everyone, including myself, than I would get done.  Being constantly demeaned, disrespected, and expected to work at optimal performance is bullshit.

    When I left, I had to go over some steps with the HR person (who happened to be my friends mom... go figure).  I was there with my boss's boss as well, and I sat there confidently, smiling, going about the termination process.  I looked toward my boss's boss, and her face was priceless.  I don't think anyone's ever questioned her in that type of manner before, and it seemed like she was taken quite by surprise by what I did.  Regardless, after communicating with my friend after I left, it was also funny to me that more people have been complaining about her, although not in the manner I did, heh.

    The only thing I'm really pretty upset about is that now that I have left, despite the fact that I have a nice chunk saved up, it isn't nearly enough to go to college for a semester before I can get financial aid.  I don't know what to do... it's too late to really get another job until I transfer, since it will be in January, and I'm tired of working for pennies.  It doesn't help either that I don't even know if I CAN transfer to CSULB.  My friend who goes there tells me she didn't recieve anything from them until late in November... so basically my future is completely up in the air right now.  The good news, however, is that now that I have some free time I can more adaquately pass my classes, look up crap for my problems, get more involved with school, and lots of other things I've been meaning to do, such as get back into art.  It's not all bad, I have to think positive, right?

    Another strange thing that happened to me this week is that I got a text message from a girl I used to know in high school.  She left before she graduated, ran off with some guy, had a kid, got married, got divorced, and is now a single mom working at a mall with a disabled son.  She never had the chance to go to college or anything, and I feel bad for her.

    One thing about her though is that she is pretty permiscuous.  Or used to be, anyway... I used to kid her by calling her, "Mormon Slut".  She's had a crush on me since school, and has asked me on several occasions to come by her place and "hang out".  But there's enough sexual overtones to our conversations that it's pretty obvious a lot more would go on than that heh.

    A few days ago, right when I was getting fired actually, she basically asked me straight out to come by with some condoms.  Being a guy that's ... well, fucked in the emotional department, and hasen't been laid in a year and a half, I'm getting more psyched than an angry football player on amphetemines.  Unfortuately she is not very attractive at all, and well, she has been with a lot of guys, not recently, but in the past... I didn't go by her house because of my job situation, I felt too crappy and I had to take care of other business.  She's wanted me to still come by, but... I have to confess I don't think I will.  I just want to stay talking to her.

    After going over STD's in detail in my psychology of sexuality class, I am pretty much convinced I never want to have sex, kiss, even really touch another girl in any way other than just being friends.  I know, I know, I'm a freakin crackpot, and I'm going to extremes, but really....  when 1/4 of the US population has a STD, and most of the time you don't know if you have one because the symptoms don't pop up, why shouldn't I hesitate?  The number of people with them is constantly growing, and I don't want to end up with something I'll have for the rest of my life.  You can't trust people, theres so many if's, it's just not worth it to me.  Because of this paranoia that I feel like I've acquired I don't want to get involved romantically with anyone.

    But................. in the back of my mind, it seems like I'm making a mistake.  I've been trying to increase my self-esteem, my growth, to be better, do better, in every way, and yet, every time I come to this aspect of myself, the one that deals with relationships with other people, I always get stuck.  I always find some excuse not to do something, or.... I dunno.  I use people's comments like, "you're creepy", or "You're way too weird", as reasons why I shouldn't even bother.  I'm not good enough, and bad things will always happen.       ....what a freakin hypocrite I am.

    I'm too tired to write anymore, but Ill try to be back on again later.  I hope you are all well, and are feeling great.  Take care. :)