momhurts's Journal

Today.  I need to mark today.  My oldest girl was working at the local sandwich shop, I saw her truck in the parking lot when I went to the store.  So I popped in, just to say hi.  Then I went shopping, and happened to see a favorite candy of hers, so I bought it.  I popped back into the sandwich shop, said I saw this and thought of you, and left the bag with her.  She was all smiles, and as I turned to leave, she hollered after me "Thanks, Mom, love you!".  

Now I'm the one who's all smiles.  I was so touched.  She's never done that before.  She has said it before, but only in response to me saying it, and tended to sound kinda forced about it.  This was so different.  This was spontaneous.  This seemed to be from her heart.   It made me cry, later, on the way home in the car.  An answer to prayer, I praised God.  Our relationship is healing, something I've been praying for a long time. I am so grateful. I needed to mark the moment; it will bless me forever. 

Well, my daughter made her apology this weekend to her friend's mom, and after that, I did talk to the mom.  I made the call, and she was receptive.  We seem to be on the same page.  I didn't ask her the loaded question of whether she had ever kept info from me at their request, but there was no indication that she has earlier knowledge of any drinking.  I apologized for taking so long to reveal the information, and she admitted that I had found myself in a hard place (it wasn't really a hard decision, it just took me some time to wade thru the other crap and take the right action) The booze came from their home, the girls essentially raided a bunch of old liquor.  The friend confided that my girl feeling sick and was so out of it that the friend put her in the shower.  Yet after that, my girl said she understood her limits, not admitting how wasted she had been. 

The mom said she talked with them about the risks of drinking liquor vs beer/wine, and some other "this is essentially poison, so you have better be safe and educated if you intend to do this" conversation.   I felt SO MUCH BETTER after having talked to her.  I do wish it was easier to connect with her, but she works two jobs, and has 3 kids at home, so I know she's super busy. I asked if she was going to restrict the friend's opportunity to stay home alone for the weekend, and she said no, she didn't think so.  Really it was just about the conversation for her, with no continuing ramifications.  I said I didn't think I would let my girl go over there for such long periods of unsupervised time.  And interestingly, after having spent the weekend there (supervised), my daughter came home with some complaints about her friend (just relational stuff) that leads me to believe that maybe the friendship is not quite as tight as it seemed before.  That's a good thing.  So I am gonna have one more conversation with my daughter about this, ask how it went making the apology, and what the mom had to say.  I want to cover one more time with her that this binge-type drinking is dangerous, and that if she intends to drink, she HAS TO be smarter about it.  I want her to NOT drink, and I will be sure she knows it - def in her better interest - but if she intends to, be smarter.   Then I will put this issue to bed (until it raises it's ugly head again)  Our relationship seems to be restored, although she has not apologized for her treatment of me......maybe that is still coming. Thanks to all of you who have read my journals and commented; you have provided much needed camaradarie and perspective; I am in your debt. 

Well, it's been an uncomfortable week.  Since I sat with the girls and told them that the other girl's mom need to know what happened, and because my daughter compromised that family and trashed their trust, that she needs to apologize for what she did.

Since I came somewhat belatedly to that decision, my daughter has not been speaking to me.  It seems she's been punishing me for involving the other girl, although she says it's because I kept flip flopping.  I totally understand that; I should have been more decisive.  My mistake was in listening to her, trying to 'work' with her in managing this issue.  I let her twice talk me into the "don't ask, don't tell" idea, but in the final analysis, I just couldnt live with that decision.  Covering wrong behavior is deceit, and any deceit is unacceptable.  People who compromise others need to apologize for that, preferably of their own volition, or in this case, because I am holding my kid accountable for her actions.  

The other girl did tell the mom, apparently, and told her that I wanted to have a conversation with the mom afterward.  The info that came back that the mom's response was "well, at least you were here, and why is she (me) still dealing with this, it's been almost a month, and why is she 'all up in my business' ; I don't have time to talk to her wed/thurs/friday cause Im working and when I get home I have things to do. 

So.  My daughter still has her apology to make.  She is riding the bus there today with the friend, and will make her apology tonight, and then remind the mom that I want to talk to her at her convenience.  It seems clear to me that the mom is gonna essentially say ' its ok ', which I think is unfortunate, but I'm not in control of that response.  I get the impression she doesn't think its a big deal, or at least is not as concerned about it as I am.  

I am wondering if she has agreed in the past to just not offer information to me, if I don't directly ask.  Maybe she doesn't share my position on drinking.  Lots of parents allow it, or even offer it in their own homes.  I'm not in that camp.  So I need to ask some really hard, direct questions of the mom, and somehow phrase them in a manner that doesnt seem offensive, or as if I am accusing her.  Diplomacy, diplomacy, diplomacy.  It will be an interesting conversation, and I am hoping it happens this weekend.  I really want to put this all to bed.