jody0385's Journal

Maybe it's just the holidays.... I don't really know... What I do know is that I am so freakin sad I can't stand it. I just feel like everything is falling apart.. Last night he called and said because he still had a few months left on his probation he has 9 points which puts him at a Medium security level (we're hoping the unit manager sees it in his heart to lower that as he is the only person with the power to)... So that means that after spending a few months in Med. security he could switch to min. security.. But that would probably mean starting the program all over.. Which just isn't right. I hate not knowing. I just feel like such a failure.. Last night he told me that I d idn't convince the judge that he needed rehab not jail. All I did was tell the truth, and yes I do feel guilty for it, because the truth is probably what got him put in jail... I don't think he meant for it to make me feel bad, I think he was actually joking around... But then again he doesn't know how I feel about it, and I don't want to make him feel any worse... He has enough to deal with without me adding to it with my self pity shit. I feel like I'm failing everyone. I'm hoping it's just the holidays and that after they all pass I'll be alright.. But when do they pass? I have Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New years, then Valentines, then my birthday in May... So I guess I"ll get a break after V day?? That sure feels daunting.. Like a very long time to go feeling this way. I know I'm depressed because I went from not sleeping at all, to finally going to sleep around 2am and sleeping through the night till 830... So I'm sleeping more, but I just know it's because I'm depressed. My sister isn't any help at all.. I ask her for advice and she says go out meet new people have fun.. He can't provide you with anything... Blah blah blah.. Whatever, but I won't be going out on him. I guess I have a year of yahtzee playing and just getting to know myself.. I hope I like myself... Cause right now I'm not impressed at all. Well the only ONLY thing that I'm impressed with is that I am staying by his side. That's the only thing I've impressed myself with.. I grew up forever thinking I'd never be one of those women that dated a man in prison no matter what... Well I am... I always heard about them on TV or in the news, and thought bullsh... No way jose. I always thought I'd have to break it off.. but I can't do that.. I can't do it to him or to me, or to us. I just can't do it. It's true when he comes out he may not want me.. He may learn more about himself and figure I'm not good enough, or I'm too good, or I'm just not what he needs... But until he says that, I'm here for him... It's hard... It's hard on me emotionally.. But I'm a very tough lady.. I've lived a hard life, and I can handle this like I've handled everything else in my life.. I've never had it easy and to start trying to have it easy now would go totally against what God has set in motion for me.. So I'm going to ride this wild ride to the end, and hope it takes me to a very happy place in life.