lari's Journal

Fiddler wrote something to the effect that maybe even the idea of original sin might be harmful in that it might contribute to low self-worth in people....

I think there is something to that...

Life and communication--the attempt to put words around things in a way that will let us share them--is tricky business. Language (and maybe religion) can both free and constrain. Zajonc gave a talk once years ago where he mentioned that by referring to "evil" (e.g., the evil axis), our language directs us to behave differently than if we'd called it "trouble" or a "problem." A problem is something we seek to solve, evil is something we don't solve, we seek to destroy it and stamp it out.

When i was a lot newer in recovery from my eating dx, i served on a panel. One of the other panelists was offended by the idea of "powerlessness" that AA, OA and other 12-step programs seek to instill in people in the very firs step: "Admitted I was powerless over my addiction and that my life had become unmanagable." The panelist thought that the idea of powerlessness was harmful, b/c people (esp women with eating dx) need to be empowered, not disempowered. I thought about that and could see her point. However, the idea of powerlessness was something personally instrumental to my own recovery. I had previously found it very puzzling and scary that i could do what i did with my addiction -- not just wastefully bingeing and purging and damaging my body, but also lying and stealing and treating others not-so-well if they interferred with my food (binge) plan. I couldnt figure out why i made such choices. When i woke up in the hospital though, and realized that i was safe from myself and from the harm i might do that day, I felt so utterly relieved that it convinced me that--maybe i wasnt wanting to be that crazy addicted person after all. If i was choosing that path, i should have felt frustrated to find myself in the hospital. Instead i felt free of it and safe from it and utterly relieved. That was how I learned that, to some extent at least, I had been powerless to stop my addiction. And that gave me back some self-respect...some hope that i wasnt as bad as i thought and that there really was something bigger and badder than myself that was helping me to be so....icky (for lack of a better word) in my addiction.

I wonder if the concept of original sin is similar. Freeing to some, and constraining to others. Helping some to realize--"hey, we all are sinners, you arent the only one. No one is perfect." But causing others to feel deeply flawed instead of freed. 

I'm convinced that our words--tho they are all we have--are not always effective at expressing what we are trying to say and get across. And language can be a source of power too, that we wield. I refer to "God" in my life in part, out of defiance to anyone who would claim that they have God and I do not. I also call myself Christian, using the language to lay claim to the part of my experience that *I* feel is most importantly in common with other Christians (and Christ), and won't let them reject me (ie, i will not stop calling myself that--even if they deny me) just because we differ on what *THEY* think is so important.

Funny...I'd not really thought about how my language is both an act of joining with other Christians *and* defying them.

To bring this back to the original topic tho--the idea that Christianity has traditionally taught that being gay is BAD with a capital B and tried to speak for God and say that God condemns same gender sexual behavior (ie, including expressions of authentic mutual love that could foster life-long bonding and commitment through a variety of both physiologial and psychological pathways)--well, I think that idea sucks. And I think it is untrue and harmful. In fact, sometimes I do feel the urge to separate from Christianity b/c of all that it (or factions of it) seems to contain that I dont believe in.

But--I actually think that I'm Christian at my heart--at the heart of it (IMO) is the idea of loving God (goodness, truth) with all your heart, and your neighbor too...even unto death. I've not achieved that, but i'm in favor of it. So instead i hang out and much to the annoyance of some Christians, I say: Yeah, I differ from you and dont believe as you do--but I AM Christian. I guess I'm rejecting that Christianity is as they define it for me, and laying claim to my right to define it as I think it is correctly defined for me.  

Thanks for the conversation Brian (and others).  It was a nice distraction. It is raining, my hubby is out of town, and I picked at my own emotional scab today--causing it to come off before its time, and causing a bunch of achy icky feelings again. Some of it centers around language too. And how much my language has failed me when i've tried to express hurts without hurting others. OTOH...even sadder to me is that maybe that isnt the point. Maybe most people just really need to avoid pain for its own sake. Not for the things causing it, but truly for it's own sake. In their language Pain = something bad to be avoided. Whereas I come from it as Pain = something to investigate thoroughly, to hopefully understand what is wrong, and fix if at all possible. The difference in these views bums me out...and makes me feel powerless (but *not* in a good freeing way).

OK i'm full circle, now i finally stop.