still recovering
ok so here goes...it is march 11th and i haven't written in almost 6 months. I would like to say that I have …
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Friday is the anniversary of Sarah's Death day. On friday, I plan to let 2 dozen balloons go in her honor, write her a letter and let them go. I was going to do butterflies, but it was a little expensive and the butterflies end up dying. Healthwise, I am much better, but I feel the fog. I thought it was vertigo but now I think its the fog of grief. I don't feel like crying which I guess is good, I feel guilty like it was my fault that she died, the doctor had prescribed medication for severe nausea and for me to sleep and I assumed it was ok. MY HGH level was so high, I puked and was nauseous almost the entire 9 months. Its sad and such a waste , I have tried to reach out to others, and I accept I will never see her until I get to heaven, I guess I want to make sense of WHY I had such a long drawn out pregnancy and a painful one to end up with no baby. I guess death doesnt make sense, but I would love for someone to shine light on the subject. Im left confused, because God came to me at my 6 week pregnancy mark and said, "Your purpose is to have babies" I heard his voice, it woke me. If that is so, why is she gone? Have babies...did he mean take care of babies, other than human? I don't know the answer and may never know. SO, Im a little melancholy, but Im cooking and functioning, but just in a pissy mood.
If anyone has any light to shine on the subject, please do. I don't regret my pregnancy, and Im honored to be her mom. I just am sad she is not here with us, and I guess that is what this day, april 25th will always be to me....
Thanks..
Love, Judy
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I have the same feelings. I had a rough pregnancy emotionally. My husband and I were separated at the time and I was very sick (even hospitalized for dehydration). I went through all of that and ended up with nothing. i keep asking why too. The only thing I can think of is that it brought my husband and I closer and back together. I think about my son everyday and wonder what he would look like and be doing at that moment. There is a reason for everything that has happened. I pray that God gives you some peace and understanding.
AmyP35
I'm so sorry. Anniversaries are hard to deal with. I think you writing the letter and letting balloons go in here memory is a wonderful idea. We really can't question God's plan with our lives. Everything happens for a reason and we have to try to accept it. I'm sure you miss her dearly as we all miss our loved ones we lose. Just pray and ask God to give you strength through these hard times. He'll be there for you and give you peace in your heart. Don't blame yourself for her death either, but celebrate her life now as she's in a better place and smiling down on you and yes, you will see her again one day.
April1963
We all look back and question and we go back to the "what if's"...You did not do this to your daughter! It is not your fault! Please don't think of it as a waste...this is what God had in his plan. You are a mother and a great friend and please don't beat yourself up over the loss of Sara....She is with God and she is healthy and happy and playing up a storm in heaven. You have your babies and God is and did give you a chance for you to become a mother!! Love you and always thinking of you!!
Blakesmommy
(((Sarahsmom))), it took my sis 4 yrs to get preg with first, 4 more yrs to get preg with second, 4 more yrs to get preg with third - she went in for a check up before a vacation she was going to take and they couldn't find the heartbeat. The embilocol (sp x) cord got around his neck. Since she was 4 months preg she had to go in and they had to induce labor. I could not even imagine! She was very angry with God and everyone for a long time. Her main question was why and no one knows but one day you will both find out and see them again. She has a pic in her house in her bathroom and it's of a little boy angel sitting on a rock. That is how I imagine her baby in heaven.
Huge Hugs to you.
momof2grtkids
hey there judy. still praying. caed (my 7 yr old) would like to send off a balloon for sarah, if you don't mind. you know, i partially understand a little of what you're going through. we lost our baby (between carly & megan). i haven't shared this with anyone. it was very, very hard. i knew he was a boy. almost lost all three of the kids. very difficult pregnancies because of the damage done to my body. With many things in life, the hardship, the pain, the many, many, many losses; i have come to this conclusion from my friend (a teacher i've know for 25 yrs ~ she was my only safe person. She wisely told me this "Sometimes there are no answers to the "Why's". Sometimes we just have to go on." easy to say, hard to do. it actually really sucks. the worse thing to do to yourself is to blame yourself. for years i blamed myself for things that WAS REALLY our of my control. Out of my hands. You are a beautiful and wonderful person. You are a great mom. WE are great moms! We remember our loved one's. We remember the past. However, we should not feel guilty to go on. I love you my friend. You would say the same to me. lovingly always.....
SaraMC
Wow, thanks my friends for uplifting me with your words. I do feel better, and I KNOW the what ifs and whys dont bring anyone back. I guess its that IF I did cause her death or the doctor did, either way I have to forgive myself and/or the doctor and GO ON........I think I will devote a journal entry to forgiveness....get your tissues out! Or dont read it.........
Sarahsma
i think what you have planned for friday will be beautiful. and i know your little precious baby is safe and happy in gods loving arms. in a lot of the journals you have written and some of the things you have said ,i believe you truly blame yourself for sarahs death. i'm telling you and please believe me it wasn't your fault , the doctor gave you the medicine . he was your doctor and you trusted him to know what was right.you may never know how or why it happened but i know that you did all you possibly could. you are a good mother and you would never do anything to harm any of your children.your baby is safe and happy , you are the one who is suffering. i believe you when you said god spoke to you , i believe that can and does happen. my advise to you would be to make it a matter of prayer , to ask god what that statement meant and maybe he will give you some enlightment . love you oxxox
dizzylizzie
It is NOT your fault that your baby died! The part of this life that sucks is that bad things happen and babies do die. I am sure it wasn't the medication!!! You know why? Because I took the same medicine and Ben is here with me. I took medicine for severe morning sickness along with pain medication, muscle relaxer, and Ambien at bedtime to help control my pain from fibro during my pregnancy. I also took these meds during my pregnancies that ended in miscarriage, so it obviously wasn't the medication that caused our losses!
The way I feel is that God didn't intend for my lost children to come and live with me here on Earth. They came here for other reasons, to touch me in a special way and to change the course of my life. I am going to go back to school to b a grief counselor and I NEVER would have chosen that field before my 4 losses. I don't think I would have chosed that path before I lost the 4th baby. So it took 4 of my children to get it through my thick skull that this is what I should be doing. So try to focus on the positives. I know there aren't many positives when we loose a precious child, but there are some. For example, what did this child bring you? Did you feel how special your daugther was and did she change you in ways that were positive? I know my kids did that. I don't take things for granted as much and I appreciate life so much more now.
Hugs,
Fern
starflower
HI I am so sorry for the loss of your beutifull child. when you said you heard that voice how do you know it was God? satan can come as an angel of light, so please do not let him decieve you. Your baby dauhter sarah as I have a daughter called Sarah and she is 11. Gergous thing she is. YOur daughter is in Heaven right now with God so she is safe. If you have given your life over to Jesus you will see her again one day. she knows who you are and she loves you. have you given your heart to Jesus?
rapture777