I find myself here again. Writing …
I find myself here again. Writing in the "public" journal. Not a bad feeling at all. Today has been good. …
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Hi everyone- it's been awhile, I know. I had my third baby and everything went well. I think having a baby kind of distracted me from reliving and thinking about my husbands affair. Now that the baby is here and there is another mouth to feed and another life to consider, I can't help but start thinking about it again. I thought with time ( it's been over a year) I would lose the compulsive urge to snoop and look for evidence of more betrayal but I haven't. I have also been thinking a lot about everything that he has said to be true about the details of his affair, and what I feel in my heart has still been left unsaid or what has been watered down or completely fabricated. I feel like I am a gluton for pain because I really do want to know all of the details of the affair. I feel I was only merely able to scratch the surface before I was rushed into "dropping it". I know that knowing all the details probably wont help anything but I really feel that it is knowing everything, I am truly able to start to heal and allow myself to be fully informed of everything to know if staying where I am is truly what I should be doing. I have some random questions I would just like to send out there, if anyone reading this has an answer let me know:
1) How can anyone truly know their spouse's affair is over, or that a new one hasn't begun? It seems too me that if they were so able to develop these all-too-important relationships with random strangers or people they hardly know in the first place what is to stop them from doing it again?
2) How do you really know if your questions about the affair have been answered honestly? I mean people could try to say they no for a fact that their spouse is being truthful now because they want to save their families, but honestly how can you be 100% certain as these people are masterful liars and manipulators- aren't they?
3) Does anyone else get sick thinking about the fact that their significant other may still be fantasizing about the OM/OW while being with you?
4) After you become jaded by a spouses affair, do you always look for suspicious or odd behavior- or does it go away?
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Yes, You will always look for odd behaviors...and always wonder what he's doing.....It sucks, but it is what it is, ya know...... I feel that he cheated once, he'll cheat again. That is typically how cheating works. I know it isnt what you want to hear. Knowing all the details about the affair, well that's another thing becuz you wanna know what she had that you didnt.....In reality, it's nothing YOUR lacking.....I would think twice about knowing the details.....I'm kinda like you where I want to know everything in hopes that it will allow me to heal the right way and heal fully......Unfortunately it doesnt always work like that cuz you end up having these unwanted images in your head when you look at him. That will just strain things worse. So PLEASE take time and think this thru. We are all here for you and will help you get thru this. Goood luck sweetie......:O)
mdiz3
What my ex's affair taught me is that even though we think we know somebody, we really don't. We had issues in our 13 year relationship, like every couple does, but one thing I mistakenly counted on was her loyalty and honesty. That all went out the window once the affair was exposed. The betrayal was one thing, the lies were quite another.
We have a child together and it's been a year since I moved out and I simply don't trust her anymore.
So...
1) I think radical honesty and transparency (and of course humility) are critical to the long-term survival of a relationship after an affair. You can read about it at www.marriagebuilders.com. I wouldn't settle for anything less. How do you know it's over? Hmm, well, my ex and her affair partner split for a few months because he was going to try and work on his marriage (he has three children). I found out they remained in contact and I have no doubt my ex used that opportunity to try and wrest him away from his family. He left them late last summer and they have been full-blown since. It's been an ugly ride to say the least. So I don't know if you can be 100% sure it's over or if they'll do it again. Like I said, one thing I learned from all this is that it's proven to me that you never really know a person.
2) Liars and manipulators? Absolutely. Masterful? I don't know about that. I was almost amused (if it wasn't so ugly) at how dumb my ex thought I was. Sadly, you have to start thinking like them to get the information you need to complete the picture. As my therapist said, "Cheating is lazy because it puts the burden of finding out the truth on the betrayed." And then they're shocked that you would actually "snoop" to get to the truth when all it would require is them being honest.
Can't answer 3 and 4 because our relationship is over, but images of them together sometimes flash in my mind and it does make me sick. The thought of them together makes it impossible to for me to imagine ever being with her again.
I'm really sorry you had to go through this. It's brutal. I wish you and your husband the best in your recovery.
plaidlined
I kinda know how you feel. My husband is back after cheating too. I am torn between wanting to know all the details and feeling like crap when I do hear the gory details. It's like a horrible car wreck - you want to look but then you can't get the details out of mind once you see what you do. I wish us both luck on this journey...
Chai24