lonelyandsad's Journal

I am creeping up on the 1 year anniversary (should I say anniversary), of finding out about my husbands affair. Lately it's all that I can think about. I have played back every moment in my head, every possible scenario of them together and it is completely destroying me. I have to hide my feelings and thoughts on this from him, as he believes that it is over and done with and should never be discussed again. Everytime he leaves the house and goes out, or to work, or wherever I have it in my mind that he is lying to me about where he is going, who he's talking to, etc. I guess I always found it really hard to believe that for some girl who had such strong feelings for him, how easy it was for her to stop contacting him. I just don't believe it and I fear that he has recieved communications from her or some new person and I don't know about it. I didn't ecpect it to happen before and look at what happened. I'm really not sure if I am feeling this way because I am pregnant or busy or because we (my husband and I) have been having communication issues again, or what. I just feel that I have reached a point where I feel that it is totally impossible to find someone who will remain faithful, regardless of what is happening in their lives. I think it would just be easier to never have a serious relationship again and to never have to worry that your being cheated on- because you're not with anybody. I feel lonely and sad and confused and very, very angry and bitter lately. I ask myself every day if I can truly believe that he is not doing anything behind my back or would ever do anything again behind my back, and not once have I said yes. I knew that, especially given the circumstances of our situation, that it would be hard to trust him again, but I never thought it would feel like this. IT has turned into an extreme paranoid feeling that consumes me everyday and keeps me from functioning normally and in a healthy manner in other aspects of my life. I am mad that I didn't reach out and talk to the girl when I had a chance, to find out as much information as I could about their affair, when it really started, how far did it really go, and if a lot of the stuff that he has told me is really the truth. Gotta Go!!!