no bad weather here, but...
So, I was reading Jrsy's journal and I have to admit I have been having to work a little harder lately to …
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Although I have been appearing to be optimistic and positive lately, I have really felt pretty down and depressed. I have tried to overcome my anger and frustration over my husbands affair but I can't seem to get past it. It happened in December and it will be 4 months tomorrow that I found out about it. My husband says that he loves me and even when he was doing everything he didn't want to lose me. I find that very hard to understand because even after he witnessed how devastated I was when I found out about it when it had been going on only a week, he proceeded to continue the behavior and intensified it by talking about "feelings of love" and other things with this girl, not to mention how unremorseful and how cold he was, and how long it took him to actually apologize. Everytime I would start to put myself together and accept the fact that it was over he would manipulate me into believing he still cared and would tell me that I knew everything about their relationship, only to find out more information later. The blows never stopped coming and as soon as I would calm down from the last one another one would occur. I am dealing with a man that cheated on his last girlfriend and first love of four years more than once and walked away from her like it was the easiest thing he ever had to do, to be with me. Seeing his behavior towards me during that time makes me feel that at anytime he could just up and walk out again- not even giving it a second thought. I am not a person that trusts easily. I am very guarded and I don't let people in very easily. What makes me so mad is that I did let my guard down with him and emotionally- I got my ass kicked. I don't think I can let my guard down again and allow myself to be vulnerable and open the way I used to be with him. He is a walking contradiction- he is a loner who is afraid to be alone. I don't understand it. How could he tell me he loved me and continue to be with with that nasty piece of garbage, and say similar things to her? He says that he didn't say I love you to her, but as a side note- he has been known to lie compulsively. I don't get it. I love him and so much of me wants to work it out with him- but he doesn't act like a grownup when it comes to emotional issues. He believes that it's okay to not open up to people and he is comfortable with the idea that you can never really trust anyone but yourself. I don't want to live that way the rest of my life. I want to trust someone completely and know that they would never hurt me the way he has so many times. I am a firm believer that people make mistakes, but it is how they handle themselves after that really says what kind of person they are and what they represent in life. He blamed me for a lot of the reason he had an affair, and it took him over a month to actually say he was sorry for doing it. I often wonder was he actually sorry for doing it and destroying me emotionally and mentally- or is he sorry because he knew things wouldn't work out with the slut. I am starting to face the truth that I will likely never know truly everything that happened, that I will never know everything that was said, that I will never know his true intentions for wanting to work it out again, and whether or not this bullshit or some equally shitty stuff will happen again. I know in my heart that he told her bad things about me and I guarantee that she said pretty bad stuff about me- and I know this is childish but that hurts more than just him having sex with someone( which he maintains he never did). It hurts that your "best friend" could be so deceptive and could actually betray you like that. I am sorry for the length and run-on sentences. I really just needed to vent.
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I'm sorry you are having to experience so much hurt from this. Are y'all getting any marriage counseling? It might be helpful. He needs to understand just how profoundly this has cut into your soul. He also needs to get to the root of why he follows the pattern of cheating you described. That has nothing to do with you and everything to to do with him. You are a beautiful girl and seem to be a treasure of a person. You deserve to be loved and appreciated. Please take care of yourself and do whatever is necessary to heal. I will say a prayer for you and for your marriage. God bless.
lilablue
Do we have the same husband, mine is a twin to yours. We have been together for 7 yrs. and there have been a few in the mix of our time together. The last one lasted for 4 mths, she called here and told me that she was pregnant and as long as he was delivering in tenn. then she would be sleeping with him and spending quality time with him. Talk about betrayed, I was livid with rage. Cause i'm the one who takes care of his kids. I finally had to give it to god and let him take over. I know that when god gets ready to take me away from this crap, then I will square my shoulders and walk out with pride. We cannot change them, so we just have to either accept the fact that they are no good or fight for our rights to be with them. The slut that called me got a ear full, I politely told her that she was a trick and that she was the one with the wet ass and no money, cause I get his whole paycheck. And I thanked her for taking out my trash. and I told her that she could keep on being his trick cause he was'nt going anywhere. She was livid. I sat back and smiled..my day was made and I have been smiling ever since. He is the fool, and when I get my health back he can kiss my rump upside down....love deborah
padgett
I am sorry that u are going thru all this on top of being sick. U definitely do not need the stress. Remember, even the Bible says, "one will reap what he/she sows". He has to give an account to God for what he has done to u. I will be praying that the Lord will comfort u and mend your broken heart. He is the God of all comfort.
Love & prayers,
Chris
crj
I'm very sorry. Having been blind sided by my wife of 15 yrs leaving my for her first bf 20 yrs ago (see my first journal post for detail) I can completely understand your feelings. I hope you feel better soon sweetie.
leep
I wish that we had the abililty to earse certain things that hurt us. But in truth, that is what makes us stronger people. those of that are smart enough to learn from our troubles, past, and faults. It took me 21 years to realize my husband was poisoning me with his illness... don't be like me! Figure out what YOU NEED and get it!
momto4
Stay strong and if it consumes you too much than you should let go. I would rather be alone than to be in a relationship where I can't get over my pain and can't trust. But you know what's best for you. You do what you feel strong enough to do...But all women are strong. God made us that way. To be uplifted by a godly devine MAN.
Debra
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know how rough it is. I've been there myself!! I've continued to beat myself up just like you are for years. The sad thing is, you probably will never know everything. That's been my experience anyway. What kind of person watches their spouse go through all that pain and heartache and doesn't want to do the right thing to help them get past it?? This isn't something that will be easy to get past on your own. It's virtually impossible. We sit and wonder all the time. We question everything they say or do. We try to get them to help, but they only "blow" it off like your the one with the problem. The question we need to ask ourselves is; Do we want to continue to completely give ourselves to someone that isn't willing to do the same in return??
heartbroken73
hugs. big hugs. and a smile.....
reachinout
Who says you have to get past it? Maybe get through it is a better way to look at it! If you want to stay in the marriage, then you can get through it but never expect you will get past something that hurt you down to your soul!
momto4
You are so strong to even consider staying with him. I would never be able to forgive if I found out my husband cheated on me. I realize having kids involved makes it so much harder. But you are a beautiful girl! You seem to have your head on straight, and I'll bet you are alot of fun to be with. Dont let the fact that he couldnt appreciate you take away from your confidence. I hope you find the strength to do whatever it is that will make you happy in life.
jmb32
Though all your pain remember that no one will ever love you like God does. He gave everything for you and seeing you sad is not one. Keep your head up and know im praying you
Jesus loves you always
godcares