Join Now
Hi everyone- it's been awhile, I know. I had my third baby and everything went well. I think having a baby kind of distracted me from reliving and thinking about my husbands affair. Now that the baby is here and there is another mouth to feed and another life to consider, I can't help but start thinking about it again. I thought with time ( it's been over a year) I would lose the compulsive urge to snoop and look for evidence of more betrayal but I haven't. I have also been thinking a lot about everything that he has said to be true about the details of his affair, and what I feel in my heart has still been left unsaid or what has been watered down or completely fabricated. I feel like I am a gluton for pain because I really do want to know all of the details of the affair. I feel I was only merely able to scratch the surface before I was rushed into "dropping it". I know that knowing all the details probably wont help anything but I really feel that it is knowing everything, I am truly able to start to heal and allow myself to be fully informed of everything to know if staying where I am is truly what I should be doing. I have some random questions I would just like to send out there, if anyone reading this has an answer let me know:
1) How can anyone truly know their spouse's affair is over, or that a new one hasn't begun? It seems too me that if they were so able to develop these all-too-important relationships with random strangers or people they hardly know in the first place what is to stop them from doing it again?
2) How do you really know if your questions about the affair have been answered honestly? I mean people could try to say they no for a fact that their spouse is being truthful now because they want to save their families, but honestly how can you be 100% certain as these people are masterful liars and manipulators- aren't they?
3) Does anyone else get sick thinking about the fact that their significant other may still be fantasizing about the OM/OW while being with you?
4) After you become jaded by a spouses affair, do you always look for suspicious or odd behavior- or does it go away?
Comments
I am creeping up on the 1 year anniversary (should I say anniversary), of finding out about my husbands affair. Lately it's all that I can think about. I have played back every moment in my head, every possible scenario of them together and it is completely destroying me. I have to hide my feelings and thoughts on this from him, as he believes that it is over and done with and should never be discussed again. Everytime he leaves the house and goes out, or to work, or wherever I have it in my mind that he is lying to me about where he is going, who he's talking to, etc. I guess I always found it really hard to believe that for some girl who had such strong feelings for him, how easy it was for her to stop contacting him. I just don't believe it and I fear that he has recieved communications from her or some new person and I don't know about it. I didn't ecpect it to happen before and look at what happened. I'm really not sure if I am feeling this way because I am pregnant or busy or because we (my husband and I) have been having communication issues again, or what. I just feel that I have reached a point where I feel that it is totally impossible to find someone who will remain faithful, regardless of what is happening in their lives. I think it would just be easier to never have a serious relationship again and to never have to worry that your being cheated on- because you're not with anybody. I feel lonely and sad and confused and very, very angry and bitter lately. I ask myself every day if I can truly believe that he is not doing anything behind my back or would ever do anything again behind my back, and not once have I said yes. I knew that, especially given the circumstances of our situation, that it would be hard to trust him again, but I never thought it would feel like this. IT has turned into an extreme paranoid feeling that consumes me everyday and keeps me from functioning normally and in a healthy manner in other aspects of my life. I am mad that I didn't reach out and talk to the girl when I had a chance, to find out as much information as I could about their affair, when it really started, how far did it really go, and if a lot of the stuff that he has told me is really the truth. Gotta Go!!!
Comments
-
wow... you are pregnant (first of all congrats)...second I ask you? Are you and husband in therapy?
Cheating is something that isn't easy to get through or over and trust me.... your feelings are natural ones.
I wonder sometimes if my stbx came back if I could ever really gain back the trust.
I wish you well... I also hope you and husband are seeing a therapist. It will help your relationship in the long run.
If you are and have journaled it (please forgive me... I have been offline for a while).
-
Dear Lonely and Sad;
I found out about my husband's affair on April 15 2005, and I still think about it every day. I was on Effexor, and it helped me to get throught the terrible time while I could not cope. I have been off it for about one month, and it seems like I just postponed going through the pain. I don't think I will ever trust him again. He has really turned around in his behavior: he is attentive, loving supportive and a great father to our 4 year old. And I still hate him. We are in both individual and couples therapy, and that helps alot, although I think that I need individual therapy more than the couples therapy. He is still lying to me about what went on sexually with him and his other women. I have started exercising and it seems to help alot.
You will find that this is a place that you can express your feelings safely, and receive honest help and response.
My best wishes to you, and I am here if you need to talk.
Liz7803
It's been a long time since I have written anything on here. My husband and I have completely reconciled. Things are going better but I would be lying if I said trust issues with him still didn't exist. He recieved a phone call at about 3:00 a.m. about 2 weeks ago from an unknown number. He says that I shouldn't worry, that it was more than likely a wrong number, but for anyone that has ever been through the type of deception that I have been subjected to would know that every time something like that happens doubt creeps into your head and it's easy to jump to the wrong conclusion about things. My husband and I are expecting another baby- which is exciting yet also scary as I am attending school full time and fully intend to throughout my pregnancy and beyond. I hope all is well with everyone!!!
Past Entries
| May 2007 |
Thursday, 5/03
|
|
April 2007 |
|
Wednesday, 4/11
|
Monday, 4/09
|
|
March 2007 |
|
Friday, 3/16
|
|
Thursday, 3/01
|
|
February 2007 |
Wednesday, 2/21
|
Wednesday, 2/14
|
|
Tuesday, 2/06
|
|
January 2007 |
Tuesday, 1/23
|
|
Monday, 1/22
|
|
Thursday, 1/18
|
|
Tuesday, 1/16
|
|
Saturday, 1/13
|
|
Wednesday, 1/10
|
|
Tuesday, 1/09
|
|
Monday, 1/08
|
|
Sunday, 1/07
|
|
Wednesday, 1/03
|
|
Tuesday, 1/02
|
|
Monday, 1/01
|
|
December 2006 |
|
Sunday, 12/31
|
|
Monday, 12/25
|
|
Sunday, 12/24
|
|
Sunday, 12/24
|
|
Sunday, 12/24
|
|
Friday, 12/22
|
Yes, You will always look for odd behaviors...and always wonder what he's doing.....It sucks, but it is what it is, ya know...... I feel that he cheated once, he'll cheat again. That is typically how cheating works. I know it isnt what you want to hear. Knowing all the details about the affair, well that's another thing becuz you wanna know what she had that you didnt.....In reality, it's nothing YOUR lacking.....I would think twice about knowing the details.....I'm kinda like you where I want to know everything in hopes that it will allow me to heal the right way and heal fully......Unfortunately it doesnt always work like that cuz you end up having these unwanted images in your head when you look at him. That will just strain things worse. So PLEASE take time and think this thru. We are all here for you and will help you get thru this. Goood luck sweetie......:O)
mdiz3
What my ex's affair taught me is that even though we think we know somebody, we really don't. We had issues in our 13 year relationship, like every couple does, but one thing I mistakenly counted on was her loyalty and honesty. That all went out the window once the affair was exposed. The betrayal was one thing, the lies were quite another.
We have a child together and it's been a year since I moved out and I simply don't trust her anymore.
So...
1) I think radical honesty and transparency (and of course humility) are critical to the long-term survival of a relationship after an affair. You can read about it at www.marriagebuilders.com. I wouldn't settle for anything less. How do you know it's over? Hmm, well, my ex and her affair partner split for a few months because he was going to try and work on his marriage (he has three children). I found out they remained in contact and I have no doubt my ex used that opportunity to try and wrest him away from his family. He left them late last summer and they have been full-blown since. It's been an ugly ride to say the least. So I don't know if you can be 100% sure it's over or if they'll do it again. Like I said, one thing I learned from all this is that it's proven to me that you never really know a person.
2) Liars and manipulators? Absolutely. Masterful? I don't know about that. I was almost amused (if it wasn't so ugly) at how dumb my ex thought I was. Sadly, you have to start thinking like them to get the information you need to complete the picture. As my therapist said, "Cheating is lazy because it puts the burden of finding out the truth on the betrayed." And then they're shocked that you would actually "snoop" to get to the truth when all it would require is them being honest.
Can't answer 3 and 4 because our relationship is over, but images of them together sometimes flash in my mind and it does make me sick. The thought of them together makes it impossible to for me to imagine ever being with her again.
I'm really sorry you had to go through this. It's brutal. I wish you and your husband the best in your recovery.
plaidlined
I kinda know how you feel. My husband is back after cheating too. I am torn between wanting to know all the details and feeling like crap when I do hear the gory details. It's like a horrible car wreck - you want to look but then you can't get the details out of mind once you see what you do. I wish us both luck on this journey...
Chai24