Jkmoree's Journal

   Ugh...may have to boycott this site until they get shot of the hearts and flowers! Just one more reminder that I am going to be alone on Valentine's Day! All of my life, V-Day has been a hurdle to be jumped. Even when I was 'a couple' BF rarely ever remembered it and certainly never sent flowers, erc.

  I had another spectacularly bad 'friend moment' and to this very moment I am feeling soooo very guilty. The other night I had a voicemail message on my cell phone from my best friend calling from Pennsylvania. We keep in touch although our lives couldn't be more dissimilar. She left a message with the injunction to 'give me a call', where normally she says something like, 'let's talk soon, or call me if you get a chance' so I thought it was probably something important to leave a message like that. I'm close to her parents, etc and her family was like a second home to me growing up as I did in a home of divorced parents where everything was tinged with quite a lot of dyfunction. As I dialed I was in somewhat of a worried state thinking something might have happened to her parents, etc.  So I was not expecting to hear, after the "Hi's", a rapturous, "I'M PREGNANT!!". Mind you we had talked of it, they were 'trying' I was told two weeks or so ago.

 And I choked, I actually paused for longer than the polite moment allows, and I sort of stammered, much in the manner Hugh Grant does in every movie he chances to play the romantic lead, 'Ohhhh........um....well....hey....that's just great!' I think I even had the eye fluttering to accompany my hesitant speech.  I felt so bad, the great old ugly horned monster jealousy reared it's ugly head. And the only thought I could muster was, "How many more times God, will I have to bear someone's else's exaltation in their life whilst being so very miserable in my own'. It just seemed so unfair, on top of my disappointment in the elections, the dearth of romantic relationships in my life, family problems, and coping with the anxiety issues, that the secret pain of being childless was bruised on top of it all.

 But now that I have struggled to get past my own selfishness, I have felt so very guilty at not immediately expressing joy for my best friend. When my sister in law announced last spring she was expecting, I only felt joy and happiness for them. I began mentally adding the new baby to Christmas celebrations, etc. So why was I so jealous and angry at my my best friend's news.  And the only conclusion I could come to was that because she and I grew up together and we are exactly the same age, 33, that when were sharing our girlish fantasies, hers seemingly have come true and mine have not.

 So...now I guess I begin some sort of course of penitance.

Can anybody relate to this? I am feeling so badly on some many different levels.