ncnur's Journal

 I am ready to go to the hospital today if I could.  I have been in so much pain the llast few days.  I have not been able to do the things I have wanted to do.  I got so aggitated yesturday I had to pray and ask for forgiviness for my attititude and impatients towards myself and family.  I am using sleep to excape, is that bad.  I pay for it when I get up because it hurts so bad from lying down. I go to my happy place. " My Happy Place"; This is what I will think about tommorrow when they wheel me into the OR.  I have this place in the mountains (fictional).  Its a cabin about 5 miles fom the road.  A simple log cabin, high on the side of the mountain.  In the back in a large deck built into the mountain.  You feel like you could fall while your standing on it looking out.  I aam there a lone or with my husband.  Its in the morning in the spring and the fog is thick.  Its cool and crisp out.  The aroma of fresh brewed coffee in my hand.  There is a large hot tub/spa on the deck.  bubblly with smoking rising from the heat of the water touching the cool air.  I am in this hot tub, with my coffee, samergered in this hot bubbly water.  The cool air is touching my face while I look out over the land.   Crazy what chronic pain does to a soul. 

We watched a movie with dinner last night.  We were done about 930 pm I was so misriable. I did not want to take any percocet because it was too late and I would not be able to sleep.  Victoria and Sa were no where near ready to go to sleep.  I asked vic if she could lay sam down later and let me go to bed.  Sam wanted to watch another movie and vic was online.  Both said ok no problem.  I kissed them goodnight and went and read for a while.  I fell asleep and was sleeping so good, Itook a muscle relaxer to help with the pain.  After sams movie he ended up coming in my room and waking me up.  Vic was so busy she did not relize he had gone in my room.  I was so mad.  He wanted o play, the wanted to go to the bathroom then a drink.  She knew I was mad and tried to come get him but he cried to stay with me.  The dog then comes to anounce his need to pee.  Vic never lets them out so I had to get up and let him out.  It was only 1130pm.  I was mad because I was out of pain and sleeping so well.  Why couldn't they just leave me be.  If I sleep that well and get woke up,  I can't usually go back to sleep.  Iam up all night and misrible all the next day because three yr olds don't understand the need to rest when it is out of scheduel.  i  was hatefull and mean.  yelling at them both.  Shame on me.  I beleive in Karma so then I lay in bed fearful God would teach me a lesson with the OR report.  I know I can be pretty stuipid at time.  Crazy what chronic pain does to a soul.   I did go back to sleep  after Sam settled down.  Vic went about her computer stuff.  And to think I have to let her take the lead when I get back home.  My mother in law is going to the hospital with us and will bring me home.  She informed me the other day, " If it is ok with you, I am going to take Sam home with me Thursday night.  Vic will be here with you."  Last time Ben was home with me.  He had to sit me up so I could get out of the bed and to the bathroom.  It was rough for a few days.  I thought my family would behere.  My mother has got a  new job now so she can't come till Saturday.  My therapist already thinks I put too much on my 16 soon to be 17 yr old daughter.  Guess God knows best it is in his hands.