katbab's Journal

I just feel like crying today. I don't want to go to work, but i don't want to use a sick day, plus this is the last day that i have training and i wouldn't want to have to start over. I was hoping to actually get started on Shelby's scrapbook this weekend. I went to the store and got the last things that i needed for it, but my b/f got a job this weekend and i have to go help him. He is a general contractor/painter. This will be the first job he has had since we moved here so that is good. But i think that he has way underbid that job and it is going to turn into a nightmare. He is also cranky about it b/c it is an interior and it is so nice outside. I told him to be thankful for the job!

I am missing her so much right now. I tend to get really emotional around my cycle. I know part of  it is b/c of the hormones and partly b/c I shouldn't be having cycles. I should be nursing my little girl. I just want to scream to the world. I see people who drank and smoke and did drugs during pregnancy and they still get to have a healthy baby. I did none of those things. Why couldn't I have a a healthy baby. My b/f just doesn't get it. I know i seem to write about it every time i write but it hurts so much that he doesn't want to try again. In the Dr's office when they told us he promised me we could try again. Now he is saying that he only said that b/c he didnt know what else to say. That hurts b/c i thought he was being serious. I don't have any preggo pics of me. I don't have any ultrasound pics, the techs were BITCHES. I'm sorry but they were. Why should they get to decide whether or not i want u/s pics of my dead baby. When i had gone to labor and delivery the nurse offered to see if they could do it again but that was the same day/day after we found out and i didn't think i could look at her lifeless body in me. I said later, and later never came. I still get upset thinking about it. Why didn't i just say yes, didn't have to look right then. I feel like such a failure that i couldn't carry her full term. Just one more thing that i have failed at in life. I just want to wake up from this horrible dream. I am just so depressed and i don't know what to do. Anti-depressants are not an option for me. I don't want another suprise pregnancy while i am on them. I am so paranoid about what i take now. My dr gave me some nasal spray and it sd that miscarriage and still born can be a side effect. I won't use it. Not pregnant now, won't be int he near future, but i don't want it in my body.

I love to talk to people about her, tell pregnancy stories. I think it makes most people uncomfertable. especially when i call her by name. When i tell people that i had somebody come in and take professional pictures they get a look of horror on their face. It gets even worse when i tell them that i held her and dressed her.  I wouldn't give up those few hours i had with her for anything. I just wish that my stupid legs would have been working so i could have rocked her. I didn't even sing to her.

Mommy loves you and misses you Shelby with all her heart. You are in my thoughts every day!

We had a great Father's Day yesterday. We went down to the Snake River to the same spot we went to for Mother's Day. We weren't really celebrating Father's Day (not his thing) but Shelby was in my thoughts all day.  My b/f has two other children, but they don't live with us. Unfortunatly there is not much contact with them. I still have guilt over her death. I think that she passed sometime around Mother's Day last year. Don't know for sure but the timing was right. That makes me feel like a horrible mom. I want her back so badly. It was getting easier to deal with until her birthday. I want to start trying again but my b/f doesn't. He is right it would be better to wait until we had more money, but i can't help but wanting to now. She was unplanned (but never unwanted) and we would have been able to do it just fine. I make more money now, granted rent is more, but we still have more of a cushion. All I have ever wanted since i was little is to have children. My sister has four and i love them to pieces! I have lived with her off and on since i was 16. Mostly just for the summers! I loved being with them. When my sister told her 6 yr old that we had lost the baby, he stopped and thought about it for a minute and then said, "That makes me sad." It broke my heart when she told me that.  I want to be pregnant again. I want to feel the baby kick. I want to have the belly talks again. I know at least at my new job it will be better for the baby b/c I am not standing all day and lifting heavy things. I had always thought that pregnancy=baby in the end. I knew that wasn't always true as my sister and my mom both had m/c, my mom also had a still born. But i never thought it would happen to me. I was a lot farther along then my sister. I feel bad that I wasn't there for her more. She was there for me the whole time i was trying to deliver. Her and my mom took care of the cremation. She found a lady that came in and took pictures for free. Her and my mom dressed her, i didn't think i could. She found me support groups in my area. I wish that I was there for her more. I feel like crap that i wasn't. She called me the night it was happening, i told her that it was nothing. She was probably just spotting, no big deal, not to call mom  b/c i didn't want t upset her. The whole time she was having a m/c. I don't know what was wrong with me but i never really talked about it again with her. My mom went to stay with her for a while. She ended up getting an infection.

I love you Shelby