ahen3's Journal

Well stbx is suppose to be coming down to see me on Thursday...that's my next off day and he's suppose to be going with me to my dentist appointment. What he doesn't know and isn't gonna like is that we are going to discuss the divorce. I wanna know if he's willing to give me money every month, if he's willing to help pay some of the debts I owe (considering he's to blame for them). If not, I'm not gonna fight him on it. I just want it done, but I just want to know. He's gonna cry, he's gonna try and not discuss it, but I'm gonna have to stand firm and tell him that like it or not, this is what IS going to happen. I'm going to file for a divorce. I want my marriage over and done with and I want to move on. That may sound cold and harsh but I just can't put myself through all the emotional strain and stress anymore. Yea, he says he's learned his lesson and he's changing...but how long will that last? He's said the same thing so many times before. He needs professional help to work through his issues...he's even admitted that he needs to do that. He kept me down for 5 long damn years. I lost myself completely during that time. I was a shadow of the former Alicia. Now, I'm getting back to my old self again. I'm smiling more, laughing more. My ex told me that he even noticed a difference. I'm getting my self esteem back. Slowly but surely...he always made me feel like I was worthless, a child, stupid, ugly, fat, lazy...you name it. He never out right said anything...that's the shitty part. If he had actually said even one of those things to me, I would have been gone a long time ago. But it was just little comments here and there and I never noticed what he was doing until it was to late. He may have made the choice to leave but I'm making the choice to live! I'm not fat and ugly, I'm not lazy, I work my ass off everyday! I'm not worthless and I was a damn good wife! He's not worth it anymore...never really was either. He always had dinner ready when he got home, even during the times I was working...the house was always clean, the laundry always done and put up. I cooked things that he wanted, even if it was something I didn't like. I took damn good care of him. I'm sorry that he's hurting now, but damn it I hurt for 5 freaking years!!! Sorry, on a little rant at the moment. Well anyways, I'm gonna stop for now.

I'm thankful for:

- My God!!!
- My smile!!
- My family
- My friends
- DS and all of you on here!
- My job
- My dog
- and so many other things...to many to name!