ahen3's Journal

It seems I can fool anyone, even myself. I had fooled myself into thinking that I was "ok". I was handling the stress of my job, the demands of my home life. Dealing with my separation, my lack of a social life. I really thought I was handling everything. But today I was trying to get the cap off the tank for our carpet cleaner and I was having issues and I just lost it. I started sobbing hysterically. With the holidays approaching and the demands at work getting worse, plus the anniversary of my dad's death (Nov. 28) and my grandfather (Dec. 20) fast approaching it's all hitting me like a ton of bricks. I'm reliving last year in my dreams and it's affecting my sleep. What was going on this time of year last year. Getting ready for Thanksgiving, the last time I saw my grandfather alive (the day of the Florida/Florida State game), finding out about my husband's emotional infidelities, his desire for a more risque sex life, our fights, words said, the night my grandfather died, the day I realized my marriage was over. I keep pressing on, moving forward because that is what I have to do. I have to just keep living my life. I can't let it all get me so far down that I can function but it is harder. I have to work the day before Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving day, and I have to be there at 5:30 that Friday morning. I'm not complaining, not one to complain. After all I do have a lot to be thankful for and I refuse to throw myself a pity party, that does no good anyways. So much heartache has happened for me in my life between Thanksgiving and the middle of January that it's just a hard time. I'm not sleeping and when I do, I dream of my dad, my grandmother, my grandfather...I dream of happy times in my marriage, followed by the bad times. I'm still faced wtih this huge weight of ending my marriage for good. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm happy...there are many emotions that I always go through this time of the year and with my marriage in crumbles just amplifies it all. For the last 5 holiday seasons I had my rock. My husband was always the one who kept my grounded, was the listening ear when I needed it. Held me tight when I cried, when I missed my dad like I'm doing right now...this year he's part of my sadness. I just wish that I could have a little excitement in my life, a little happiness and fun. I've had an ex on my mind a lot these last few weeks. Can't figure out why. That relationship was a little toxic and he had a drug problem. But for some reason, I just can't stop thinking about him, wondering how he's doing. I don't want to go there again as far as a relationship goes, but those people who have touched my life over the years, who have helped shape me into the woman I am today...I just think about on occasion and wonder how they are doing. A good friend of my younger brother's who I haven't seen in years...been thinking about him a lot here lately as well. He provided my one and all crush when I was in college and he was in high school. Bless his heart, he had the biggest crush on me and was always trying to convince me to date him. I just kept telling him that I was to old for him, he was jail bait. He was so sweet and innocent. That gave me a slight confidence boost. Ahh...my baby brother J. He is my inspiration. I have watched him grow into a wonderful, kind, caring and funny young man. He's doing amazing in college and is a part of a great fraternity. He's over come so many obstacles in his life. From the outside looking in, he looks like the all American boy. Good looks, winning smile, great personality. Popular in high school, took up for those who were made fun of. Played baseball, basketball and high school football. Led the school for the most catches/yards as a WR his senior year. Came back from a torn MCL. But for those of us who truly know him, know everything he's gone through. As a child he was faced with never being good enough and never pleasing his dad who was his idol. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how well he played (baseball), dad never saw that, all he saw were his mistakes. He had to deal with our mom who for a short time pretty much cast him aside for her boyfriend. That has since been resolved and that is ok but I know it still bothers him. He's dealt with loosing his dad at 13. Growing up poor, giving our grandfather CPR only for him to die anyways. I'll never forget the look on his face that night, the look of sheer terror, the fact that he felt like he had let our mom down by not being able to save him. The tears that I heard the night that his friend's dad died. From an early age we were taught to not let our issues show. To bury everything and just keep living our lives as if everything was fine. Sometimes I get to talking and I share things that I don't mean to. As soon as it comes out, I feel vulnerable and I don't like that feeling. My brother is an amazing 20 year old who will one day be an amazing man and an amazing husband and father. My sister is an amazing mom and will one day be an amazing wife again to some lucky man. I can only hope that one day I'll have the opportunity to try my hand at being a wife again, and to see just how I will fare as a mother. All I can do is take a few deep breaths and continue to bury everything and keep moving forward. Keep moving forward...