TomB's Journal

Well things kind of took a turn for the worse yesterday and this morning. My drive to work and home is very long and gives me alot of time to think... Yesterday in the morning my wife was very intimate with me before she left for work. Afterwords she told me to think of that moment everytime I have "flashbacks" in my mind about her affair. As I was driving to work I was thinking about the intimacy when all of a sudden I had a dayjavoo feeling. I realized that since we have returned to being intimate, the things we do are all the things my wife and lover where emailing each other about doing and also did. It truly sickened me. Made for a miserable day at work. My wife could tell something was wrong when she would call to "check" on how I was doing. When I got home, she wanted to talk but I wouldn't. I couldn't bring up the fact that I can't be intimate with her due to the fact that a stranger had been to places on my wifes body and did things that I can't come behind and do. Previous to this while we were intimate, I guess you could say I couldn't totally rise to the occasion and I know it was because I was actually thinking of the two of them cheating. Now my thoughts are deeper (thanks to the similarities with the emails) and I think of the fluids exchanged between the two. It disgusts me. Deffinitely no chance for intimacy now... This morning I explained in detail to my wife. She cried and said she would give me space. I told her I don't need space, I just need time. I asked her to bare with me. The only problem is that this is apparently her reason why she cheated in the first place. I was not intimate enough. So to me we are heading in a cycle....a wrong one.
Does anyone know of a book that deals with this? It's too embarrising to bring up in front of a marriage counselor or physchiatrist for me.