KaeCee's Journal

ok, so the formal has been and gone and i went to the new hairdressers and i hated the way she did my hair!!!
ah.. it looked lovely, but i just ddnt like it at all, it cost too much and i wouldve done a better job myself.. well.. at least we know for next time.. lol if there ever IS a next time, i do not think i will be going to another ball again this year, which SUCKS...

=[


so yeh, i broke down last night and hyperventalated on the floor for about half another + and then just kept crying all night until i got to sleep, i felt so stupid about it cause there was absolutly nothing at all for me to be crying about and yet, there i was, crying like ive just lost my whole family, i am really hating myself right now, im not as pretty as all of my friends.. im way too skinny, my hair is so yuck with the TRICH and i just feel so blah and down atm.. my church/ youth group dont know and im just feeling lots and lots of pressure from them atm, even though they are putting none on me at all..

WTF is wrong with me atm, i have never felt so depressed in my life and i do not want to go back to my old, self harming ways.. i do not want to work anymore, im so over school, i reallllly dislike it.
I hate seeing all my friends being so happy and cheerful and that its real happiness and their not just faking it but i am.. i feel like such a fraud! like laughin along with my mates about silly little things but it doesnt make me happy, it just makes me feel worse because i have to pretend that i AM happy or they will start asking questions, they dont know whats going on in my head, they will not understand if i told them.. i will not go to a councilor cause i am the type of person who can sort out their own problems.

I got a txt from one of the guys i lead with and he said "Hey! it was great seeing you at church this morning! oh wait.. YOU WERNT THERE! dont use ur formal as an excuse either lol" and i was like.. o m g what the heck.. so i ddnt reply, what am i suppose to reply? later that night i got another txt from him "Ellie said ur not in the mood to txt back, id txt u back if i had one foot in the grave" was he TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD!????!?!? so i just txt back "Im sorry" and he txt back "its alright" like it was totally MY FAULT!!! *SIGH!!*
so i had a huge break down and was crying non stop for about an hour and then just kinda sat there just staring at nothing ( the telly) i wasnt pulling my hair, and then i started pulling my hair when i was txting Andrew, telling him how i was feeling, i had to stop txting him cause i couldnt focus on what i was doing thru my teary eyes, i needed to calm down, so once i got past my hyperventalating, on the floor crying stage to my stare blankly at the tv stage i txt him and it was ok.. he ddnt really help me much, just let me bitch but its good that he didnt ditch me when he knew i was upset.

I told my mum that i was feeling like shit, she put it down to an anti-climax from the formal and she said she wasnt feeling too happy either.. i was thinking "BUT I FEEL LIKE CRAP I DONT WNNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOURS TOO!!!!" n then i told her tht ive been feeling this way for awhile. she prob thinks its all to do with the formal etc etc etc

im so over this.

write again... sometime.

Casey x