novasmommy's Journal

Hello everyone!

It's sure been awhile since I have been on here, so I thought I would drop in and say hello to everyone.

Decided to do some tuning up on my profile and join a few more support groups. I realized that I have a few more problems! Gee, who would've thought!?! LOL! Well at least I can find some humor in it. I haven't been on this site very much the last few months. I truly have failed to realize what a blessing this site is and just how much it can help! So I am back, and I really hope I can find some more people who can relate to what I am feeling and what I have been thorugh.

Next month will mark 18 months since my husband and I lost our angel, and it still hurts so much! It's like it just happened yesterday! I have found that even though I was only 6 weeks along, my husband and I named our angel, and that has actually helped a little. Giving our baby a name has really helped us cope. I am so grateful for the 2 wonderful daughters that I have, but it hurts so much evey time I look into my husbands eyes and see the longing that he has for a child of his own, and I wonder if we'll ever be able to achieve that! Miscarrying my angel is something I struggle to understand everyday, and I am always going to wonder why it happened to me! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND! I am always wondering what I did wrong, even though I truly know that there was nothing that I could've done to prevent it from happening. She is in God's hand now. But I think there will always be that thought in my mind that it was my fault.

My husband and I have started a goal to lose weight together. We've tried so many times before to diet and exercise, with no success. I feel like this problem here IS my fault. I think my husband has more self control than I do. When we have tried to diet in the past, it has worked for awhile, but I find that I am the one that lacks self control and I will always buy the junk food and brings it back in the house. I struggle with my weight and my appearance constantly. I am almost 50 pounds overweight. You'd think that's not very much, but I am only 5'1" so on a short person that is a lot of extra weight to be carrying around. My husband is about 120 pounds overweight and has sleep apnea. He's already had knee surgery once. I worry about him all of the time when he is sleeping and stops breathing for a moment. We have to find success this time. Our health depends on it! But I have no idea where to start. I don't know what to do. I have been using food for comfort for so long, I don't know how to give it up!

On a happier note, there isn't much longer left until I get to go on vacation and see my girls! I am so excited and looking forward to seeing them. I will be in Anchorage for 2 whole weeks with them, then I am going to Denver for a week to see my Gramma, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I am super excited about that. I haven't seen any of my extended family since my Granpa passed away in 2001.

Well when I said this was a Rambling journal entry, I guess I meant it! LOL! Just wanted to say hello to everyone, and I definatley plan on being here more often and sending more hugs out there to people in need, and meeting some new people/friends myself!

Take care everyone!

Aimee