crash501953's Journal

Ok, probably my second to last installment. I have two more subjects to cover.

I left off hopelessly, helplessly in love. I really think that June may have been the only woman in my life that I "truely" loved. I say this, because she is the only one I have not been able to get over.  Things went well with us for a while. It was 1993 and we were living in a new apt. We moved to be closer to where she worked as a secretary(spelling, have been trying so many ways to spell, think I got it lol) in an attorneys  office. She had taken a part time job, nights, as a barmaid at a little corner bar a block from our place. Just a couple nights a week and only worked till 12. Being an alcoholic, I frequently would go in. The owner normally did not want his barmaids boyfriends around, but for some reason liked me and had no problem with my coming in.  We developed some frienships with patrons of the bar. Local guys and a few girls from the neighborhood.  All was well for a few months.  Then, on November 23rd, my sons birthday,   we were at home, my son living with his mom. Her son was in bed. It was 10 in the evening. I wanted to go down to the bar and have a couple of beers. June wanted to go as well, but our neighbors who usually kept an ear cocked if we left the boy home while we stepped out for a few minutes were not home. So I told her, No, Robert is here and would be totally alone. Like a fire starts or something.  One of our friends from the bar had called and was coming over with a joint also. I went to the bar and while having a beer, started to feel guilty about leaving. So, I finished my beer and walked home.  I went upstairs to our apt. opened the door and there was June in a passionate liplock embracing the guy, also named Mark.  If I had had the second beer I had intended, I would have, I am sure, caught them fully engaged in sex. I went ballisitic. I told you I am not violent, and I am not. I told Mark that he better get the fuck outta my house or I was going to kill him. And make no mistake, I would have. He said to June, "I knew this was gonna happen" and pretty much ran from the apt. He knew that I meant what I had said. I had just asked June to marry me 3 days before and she said yes. I told her she could forget what I had said 3 nights before and went back to the bar. I woke up the next morning so hung over I thought I might die. Which would have suited me just fine. My heart was in a thousand pieces. I was quite lucky because my job at the time was inspecting shrimp that was being imported from Canada. Luckily for me, I only had to go to work on days they were sending a shipment in. I called Toronto to the offices of "Seafood Alliance" and asked if they were sending anything that day. They said not that day. So I called my office in Rochester NY and told them I would be on call all day and would be at home if they needed to contact me.  You see, I got paid for staying at home. Actually I mostly stayed home cuz they only sent in shrimp a few times a month. Most people envied me my job. Stay at home and get paid over $500 a week. And when I did have to go in, I ate all the shrimp I wanted, free. I don't really care for shrimp, but many do. June was terrified I was gonna leave her, and I should have. But she could not swing the apt. rent on her own, and I just loved that girl so much, I said I forgave her. And I did forgive her. Blamed myself for going to the bar without her and not just staying home in the first place. But I did not fogive and forget. That picture was etched permanantly on my brain. I can see it right this very minute. Starting to cry here. Suking it up, holding it in, I'll get over it. That is what I do. Hold everything inside. Ok, control is back. I mistreated that girl badly for the next some time. Hoping she woud get sick of it and walk out.  I COULD afford the rent on my own. Pissed her off that I made so much more than her and did not even have to work. But eventually I started to ease up. I love her so much and did at that time also. Then, a couple years later. I was inspecting apples at a location about 45 minutes from home. I was on my way to work Oct. 11, 1995. 6:39 am. about 10 Miles from my work location. It was very foggy. I do not remember any of this. Last thing I remember is leaving for work that day. But, I woke up on Nov. 6th. I was in the hospital. I had been in a head-on collision with a pick up truck. I was driving a Toyota. It may as well been just toy period. I found out that I had broken my left leg in 2 places, my right leg in 3 places (3 of thes breaks were compound fractures, which means the bones broke through the skin), my right hip, my left arm, 2 ribs, ruptured spleen, lacerated liver, gall bladder not longer attached and therefor removed, face shattered ( 11 hour sugery about 2 weeks later to rebuild), and traumatic brain injury. 16 hours of surgery on arrival at er. 11 hour surgery on face 2 weeks hence,  total of 18 more surgeries in following months. Was told I woud never make it back beyond mind of a 3 year old. Well,  a couple of days later they decided to start my physical, occupational, and speech therapies.  My jaw was broken in 5 places and my jaw was wired for 6 weeks. NPO means nothing by mouth. I would have given my testicals for a glass of water, which I now know to be the nectar of the gods. But, to move along, when they loaded me into a wheel chair to go to therapy,  the nurse waited 10 minutes and went across the hall from my room to the nurses station to call down and  see if transpotation dept had someone coming to push me down to therapy. Somehow I managed to overturn the wheelchair. Slammed my head on the floor. Hospital floors are soooooo hard. So much for the brain damage. Just like in cartoons.  During my stay, visits from June. She told me that even if I had the mind of a 3 year old she would have stayed with me. I asked her again to marry me. She said yes. Heaven again. gotta take a break. Painful memories.