crash501953's Journal

and the saga continues........

Ok those of you who have been reading my entries. I have woken up from my nap and wish I had not taken one cuz now I will be awake all night.  Anyway, to those who have commented about my strength. I say that it is not MY strength it is  Gods strength that gets me through these tribulations I endure.  If the accident I have already described impressed you, you will find, like I have, that that was my Lords way of preparing me for the pain and suffering that was yet to come. And,  even this impending pain I speak of  was insignificent compared to the pain that would follow. Now, I sort of skipped ahead of my story by telling you about my job as inspector. So let me take you back a litte bit.  After Debbie left me, I started seeing Linda again. And God please forgive me for my unforgivable arrogance and pride. Pride is one of the seven deady sins and I fear I may rot in hell for what I am about to tell you through my tears.  I told  Linda that I could never love again because of the pain my heart had endured caused by losing women I had loved before. And I did believe that at the time. Linda accepted this and continued to see me.  I should have loved Linda, for even though she had been a bit of a tramp, perhaps she would have been the woman who showed me the faithfulness that I so longed for. But my foolish pride and my arrogance were the true reason. I could not allow a genius like myself to  fall in love with a woman whose IQ was probaby 40 points below mine, and give her my heart. I have an IQ of 141 as tested on the "vlossen verbal vocabulary index". Genius on that scale is 130.  So, I closed my heart to loving Linda and used her for sex. But, about 10 months before I was fully recovered from my broken leg, I met a woman who took away my heart. The fixation device was off my leg because I fell one day and one of the pins was bent inside my bone. The doctor felt that my bone had grown back in and was in the process of calcifying and could continue with a cast. I was at a friends house partying and he was also my pot connection. A woman, June, came over to buy a bag. It may have been love at first sight for me. She only stayed a couple minutes, and I did not see her again for a whie. That was in December of 1990. In  March of 1991, that same friend called me on the phone. Asked me if I remembered June. I said I did, and he asked if I would come to his house with my "flat bed Ford" and help him move a clothes dryer to her house from his house. I said sure. Being always willing to help out. Still had a cast on my leg. Only up to the knee now. So, I helped him move the dryer, carried it down to her basement broken leg and all. She thanked me and invited me to come over later that day and party. Said she would have some cocaine. Yeah, I was a party animal all right LOL. So I went to her house that evening. Me, her, and some of her friends were there, and a good time was had by all. She invited me to return the folowing night. She had bought her son a nintendo thing and since I had bought one for Alex several months b4, I was able to show her and her son the tricks to get through "super Mario brothers". We talked and partied and played nintendo. She told me she had a boyfriend and did not want a reationship beyond friendship. I said fine, sex woud probaby just mess things up anyway. I even met her boyfriend Wayne at some point. But, day after day she woud call me and invite me over. We woud continue to party, play nintendo, drink, whatever. No mention of sex came up. Then, on Aprip 4th, I went over. The chair I usually occupied was piled with laundry she had folded so I sat on the couch.  We did the usual things we had been doing. Finally, it was close to midnight and she had to work in the morning. She was getting drowsey and fell asleep and kinda slipped sideways so that she was against my side. My arm had been on the sofa back and ended up around her. If I could go back and do it again, I would extricate myself and say goodnight. But, I did not and we ended up making love.  I spent the rest of the night and we parted in the morning when she went to work. She called and asked me if I was coming over that evening and I told her I had other plans. I really was afriad of falling in love again and she DID have Wayne.  So, she called again the nest day, I have plans again. The next day, She showed up at my house at about 3 in the afternoon.  She had her son with her, She basically never left. Oh, she went that weekend to her house cuz she had plans with Wayne, but that was the last time she saw him. The Saturday she saw Wayne, I wrote a long letter telling her I was afraid of falling in love and that maybe we should cool it. "I would never hurt you the way the other women in your life have". Those were the words she said after she read the letter.  So, she moved in. I thought I was in heaven, I was so in love. Wanted to shout it from the roof tops. It felt so good to be in love and have a woman who had promised to never hurt me. On that Saturday, I also called Linda and told her. I told her I did not mean to fall in love but had done so anyway. She said okay and accepted it with a few tears. She said if I wanted, we could even still "fool around" sometimes if I wanted.  I told her I did not think so. She called me about a week later wanting to get together and I told her no, sorry but I am in love. And mostly, I have been a one woman man most of the time. But, it was hard on her.  I found out later that Linda had tried to take her own life that night. I am just recently getting over my guilt for causing such anguish. You see, Linda was in a psyciartric hospital for several years. I have found out recently that she had been released to a group home a few years ago and had gotten married last year. I am so happy for her and glad that the damage I had  caused had been surmounted and I hope and pray that she is Happy. I am kind of emotionally drained, so will have to leave off until tomorrow. I my finish up my life story tomorrow. Or soon anyway.