crash501953's Journal

Okay, i was released from the hospital after 63 days.  The doctor wanted me to stay longer, but I begged him to let me out. June and I were waiting to close on a mobile home we were purchasing. She had been staying at her mothers house and I had been living at my sister Margarets  house when I had my accident. We had looked at the mobile home and were waiting for an answer from my brother in laws decision as to weather he woud cosign for a loan to buy it. When I had the accident, my sister Margaret told  my brother in law that he was gonna have to  cosign for the loan as I would need a place to live when I got out of the hospital. We could not move in until Jan. 6th 1996 and I was released on Dec. 6th. I stayed at my sister Gerrys' in Canada until we could move in. We moved in on Jan. 6, 1996.  Things were going well. My left leg though woud not heal. It was determined in april of 96 that I had an infection in the tibia of my right leg. And that was why the bone would not heal. It is technically called a non-union.  The doctor told me I had an infection caused by a bacteria  called psdomomnas. (spelling) A particularly nasty ittle bug that was very anti-biotic in nature. I asked if I was going to lose my leg. He told me no, but they were going to use me as a human guiennie pig (spelling). They put me on anti-biotic therapy. Inserted what is called a pic line. That is an IV thingy that is inserted into a vein in your arm that goes all the way through the vein almost to your heart. This was necessary because the drug had to be well mixed with the blood. I was put on ciprofloxicine, which is the drug used to treat anthrax. I was given the highest dose that has ever been administered to a human being.  The doctor gave it a 50% chance of success. I was sent home from the hospital with an IV infusion pump and had cases of cipro deivered to my home. I had to hook up to the pump twice a day and infuse 800 milliiters each time. I did this for 6 months. Then they removed the pic line and put me on oral cipro for 3 months.  Then the doctor removed the stainless steel rod that was imbedded in my tibia, did a bone graft, and sent me home. I asked him how long till it would be weight bearing. He said it should not take long. He was right, I was walking in about a week.  I went back to work in July of 97. I was unable to do my job propery because I had to cimb up on top of trucks to get samples to inspect. And that was really a loss. I really  loved my job. where else can you get a job where you work 5 months a year. Make about $20,000 dollars and the collect about 325 dollars a week unemployment for 6 months, Then go back to work about a month after your unemployment ended, not to mention that a majority of the time spent working, was waitng for the trucks to come. Lots of time to read, which I love to do. But ya gotta "roll with the changes". I did. And was still elegible for social security, which I collect to this day. Anyway, June would not get married until the lawsuit was settled cuz she would have been found liable if I ended up losing and was counter sued because I WAS in the wrong lane. I think that was just an excuse in retrospect though. In August of 1999 I had a probem with the guy who owned the mobile home next to ours. and since he had been there for 20 years, the management of the trailer park took his side and told us to move the trailer out.  I said to June, this could take some time. I did not want to lose the trailer so I told the managment that since I was the problem, how about if I moved out and June stayed there. I moved with my son who I now had custody of into an apt. I was saving up to move the trailer to another park. Then, I found out that June had met a guy online in about April of 1999  and was carrying on a long distance affair with him. He lived in N. Carolina. She gave me back the diamong ring on March 23rd, 2000. I was, once again heart broken. I had asked her to go to see a Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young reunion concert and spend a weekend with me in Toronto. She was still willing to go. I was trying to win her back and went that weekend to Toronto. We went on the Friday night of the concert. I had reserved a hotel room for the weekend. The concert was great.  She had never been to Toronto before and I was an old hand having lived there once for 6 months, I showed her the sights, took her out to meals, and made love to her 14 times in two days. I thought I had made some headway. On the way back from Toronto, she informed me that she was going to N. Carolina for a week in May to meet the guy in person. I later found out that a few weekends she had claimed were road trips with her coworkers were actually spent with him in motels. I asked her what happened to her promise to "never hurt me". Her reply? "Things change". never had arrived. I never saw her again. She went to N. Caroina. Brought the guy back with her, gave notice at her office, and married the guy on July 3rd 2000. I had been emaiing her asking her to let me have a chance. I was insulting the guy in every email. She moved to N. Carolina in August. I was still emaiing her, she had said she still wanted to be friends, before she had actually left me. I never got any replies. So much for being friends. I got an email from her husband a week before my birthday telling me to leave his wife alone or else. Seems he found his testicles on the way back to N. Caroina and was feeling pretty froggy when I was 700 miles away and did not know how to find him or even their last name. I got an email from her later that evening saying she did not see any reason to keep in contact with me, being a happily married woman. And that any further emails or contact of any kind would be considered harassment. I have been alone ever since. I cannot take the pain again and I think about her every minute I don't occupy my mind is some way.  i am in a living hell and can't find my way out.

Well, That's all foks. Got a settlment of 137 thousand dollars in April 2002 , Gave a bunch to each of my children. Took my youngest to Washington DC (about $5000) in April when I got the money. To Orlando in Decmber 2002, $5000 more. Sent a check for $1000 to a girl I met in a chat room cuz her car broke down and she was gonna lose her job. I ran out of money and live on my socail security and help my chilren and wait, as patiently as I can for God to stop the ride so I can get off. And there ends my life story to this point. Can you now understand why I want to die so very baldy.

New journal subject tomorrow. Gonna need a lot of support today and thank God I have found DailyStrength.

Ok, probably my second to last installment. I have two more subjects to cover.

I left off hopelessly, helplessly in love. I really think that June may have been the only woman in my life that I "truely" loved. I say this, because she is the only one I have not been able to get over.  Things went well with us for a while. It was 1993 and we were living in a new apt. We moved to be closer to where she worked as a secretary(spelling, have been trying so many ways to spell, think I got it lol) in an attorneys  office. She had taken a part time job, nights, as a barmaid at a little corner bar a block from our place. Just a couple nights a week and only worked till 12. Being an alcoholic, I frequently would go in. The owner normally did not want his barmaids boyfriends around, but for some reason liked me and had no problem with my coming in.  We developed some frienships with patrons of the bar. Local guys and a few girls from the neighborhood.  All was well for a few months.  Then, on November 23rd, my sons birthday,   we were at home, my son living with his mom. Her son was in bed. It was 10 in the evening. I wanted to go down to the bar and have a couple of beers. June wanted to go as well, but our neighbors who usually kept an ear cocked if we left the boy home while we stepped out for a few minutes were not home. So I told her, No, Robert is here and would be totally alone. Like a fire starts or something.  One of our friends from the bar had called and was coming over with a joint also. I went to the bar and while having a beer, started to feel guilty about leaving. So, I finished my beer and walked home.  I went upstairs to our apt. opened the door and there was June in a passionate liplock embracing the guy, also named Mark.  If I had had the second beer I had intended, I would have, I am sure, caught them fully engaged in sex. I went ballisitic. I told you I am not violent, and I am not. I told Mark that he better get the fuck outta my house or I was going to kill him. And make no mistake, I would have. He said to June, "I knew this was gonna happen" and pretty much ran from the apt. He knew that I meant what I had said. I had just asked June to marry me 3 days before and she said yes. I told her she could forget what I had said 3 nights before and went back to the bar. I woke up the next morning so hung over I thought I might die. Which would have suited me just fine. My heart was in a thousand pieces. I was quite lucky because my job at the time was inspecting shrimp that was being imported from Canada. Luckily for me, I only had to go to work on days they were sending a shipment in. I called Toronto to the offices of "Seafood Alliance" and asked if they were sending anything that day. They said not that day. So I called my office in Rochester NY and told them I would be on call all day and would be at home if they needed to contact me.  You see, I got paid for staying at home. Actually I mostly stayed home cuz they only sent in shrimp a few times a month. Most people envied me my job. Stay at home and get paid over $500 a week. And when I did have to go in, I ate all the shrimp I wanted, free. I don't really care for shrimp, but many do. June was terrified I was gonna leave her, and I should have. But she could not swing the apt. rent on her own, and I just loved that girl so much, I said I forgave her. And I did forgive her. Blamed myself for going to the bar without her and not just staying home in the first place. But I did not fogive and forget. That picture was etched permanantly on my brain. I can see it right this very minute. Starting to cry here. Suking it up, holding it in, I'll get over it. That is what I do. Hold everything inside. Ok, control is back. I mistreated that girl badly for the next some time. Hoping she woud get sick of it and walk out.  I COULD afford the rent on my own. Pissed her off that I made so much more than her and did not even have to work. But eventually I started to ease up. I love her so much and did at that time also. Then, a couple years later. I was inspecting apples at a location about 45 minutes from home. I was on my way to work Oct. 11, 1995. 6:39 am. about 10 Miles from my work location. It was very foggy. I do not remember any of this. Last thing I remember is leaving for work that day. But, I woke up on Nov. 6th. I was in the hospital. I had been in a head-on collision with a pick up truck. I was driving a Toyota. It may as well been just toy period. I found out that I had broken my left leg in 2 places, my right leg in 3 places (3 of thes breaks were compound fractures, which means the bones broke through the skin), my right hip, my left arm, 2 ribs, ruptured spleen, lacerated liver, gall bladder not longer attached and therefor removed, face shattered ( 11 hour sugery about 2 weeks later to rebuild), and traumatic brain injury. 16 hours of surgery on arrival at er. 11 hour surgery on face 2 weeks hence,  total of 18 more surgeries in following months. Was told I woud never make it back beyond mind of a 3 year old. Well,  a couple of days later they decided to start my physical, occupational, and speech therapies.  My jaw was broken in 5 places and my jaw was wired for 6 weeks. NPO means nothing by mouth. I would have given my testicals for a glass of water, which I now know to be the nectar of the gods. But, to move along, when they loaded me into a wheel chair to go to therapy,  the nurse waited 10 minutes and went across the hall from my room to the nurses station to call down and  see if transpotation dept had someone coming to push me down to therapy. Somehow I managed to overturn the wheelchair. Slammed my head on the floor. Hospital floors are soooooo hard. So much for the brain damage. Just like in cartoons.  During my stay, visits from June. She told me that even if I had the mind of a 3 year old she would have stayed with me. I asked her again to marry me. She said yes. Heaven again. gotta take a break. Painful memories.