well, this morning it's off …
well, this morning it's off to dialysis again for 3 1/2 hours of boredom and 1/2 hour of feeling ill then back home …
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Last week, my Sugarpuss gave me a big hug and told me that when she grows up, she wants to be "a Janine"........... It is quite possible that I had been depressed and barely functioning for so long I had forgotten what it meant, what it felt like, to be human and to be me.....
I've been living in my head for so many years that the "stuff of life" like cooking dinner, daily cleaning, household and yard maintenance..... all those things that we refer to as "chores"....
had become a distant and smokey memory seen through a haze as if in a dream, or a story that belonged to someone else. This past summer I began living again. Without really even being aware of it, as I dug out season upon season of weeds, neglect and disregard from the garden beds around our house, I was also digging myself out of the trenches I'd built around my head and my heart. Last summer, I learned how to live again. Really live. Not living by rote, or via a performance designed to keep everyone around me at arms length and from seeing that I'd become so broken I had disengaged from my own life without even being aware that I had both allowed and chosen it to be that way. When summer ended (TOO DAMN SOON I'd like to add), I kept on living....... just like real, normal people........ well, OK, maybe not completely NORMAL as that is probably one of the few adjectives no one, myself included, has EVER used to describe me!
In any case, living outside my head has actually taken some getting used to. It's been pretty unfamiliar territory and is requiring me to learn how to allocate time in new and different ways since there doesn't seem to be as much of it at my disposal as there used to be.
Uh huh.......... that's great Janine but what the hell does it all mean????????
Well, it means that my moment with my Sugarpuss was an epiphany of sorts. It means that I'm doing a little better and it's starting to show. It means I'm developing a different measure for what's important to me and how I'll gage my success or failure. It also means that although you are all ALWAYS with me and ALWAYS in my heart, you're going to have to try and be patient with me while I learn how to navigate "relative wellness" and all the time shifting that comes with it. I don't want it all, nor do I want it all right now. But some balance and some time management seem like reasonablly attainable goals so that's what I'm going to shoot for...............
So while I'm learning.............. or relearning as the case may be...............
Know that I love you all and that I am not harboring any fugitive aliens (of the ET space variety), galavanting ghosts or perturbing poltergeists. But there is still a mischievious chin and a confounding cockatiel one of whom wants to be fed and put to bed........
Later Girls.................
Hey! Is it time for another party?
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Wow that's huge! It's sound great and I'm happy you're in a good place.
wnthlp
Wow... I don't even know exactly how to put it... we've been having some similar journeys... I am recently realizing that I have been digging myself a really fine pit... and now... I have to climb out of it... Very slow progress but I'm coming along... I was having a laugh with a friend... and I had what I call a "Janine" moment.... you know where I want to write something about the crazy old biddy went back to her garden cackling as though she were preparing o lay a basket full of eggs... Anyway I came to check on you... sorry I'm so selfish... don't get around like I should... but I do want you to know I think of you and if you have a party... invite me please... Hugs Elissa
carasmom