Janine's Journal

Hello.........
I've been absent and I'm sorry...... I've been tired, a bit melancholy... and bogged down with work.

We've finished finals, gotten the grades in and now everyone is starting to panic over the upcoming WASL (Washington State Assessment of Student Learning). It's the test that was already in place when the "No Child Left Behind" Act took effect.... so that's what our state is using to determine whether or not we're meeting Federal standards. Naturally, like many other new laws, No Child... was a reasonable idea that was poorly constructed and put into place long before it was really thought out. Because, I guess, something bad is better than nothing at all.... Anyway, we're teaching to the test now which I'm fairly certain is directly opposite the actual intent of No Child..... but what the hell..... the govt. gets to say they're doing something about education, the system has found someone to blame (because if the kids can't pass the test it's the teacher's fault right?) and we've bought ourselves some time until the next crisis arises at which point we'll implement another stop-gap measure and continue holding our breath until the next crisis and so on and so on ad-nauseam.

Sadly, in the middle of all this, I'm making some headway with my kids and discovering along the way that I'm actually a pretty decent math teacher when I'm familiar with the material..... which is not to say that I'm familiar with all the material (one of my classes is doing work on scatterplots and statistics of a sort; with formulas from a guy named Pearson and another named Spearman) because I'm still having to learn as we go. But I'm making progress in ways I would not have thought possible and am developing a rapport with the kids that I will really miss when Suzz finally gets back from maternity leave to reclaim them. I've started tweaking the way I present things in order to combat the dreaded "I'M NEVER GOING TO USE THAT" argument and I think it's working. Kids who I never thought even understood what was going on, much less be interested in getting help with it, are working in class and have even showed up for study club. So this is good....

Ok, you're thinking (yes, I know it's what you're thinking), so where's the melancholy coming from? What could you possibly have to be upset and/or unhappy about? Well, we're pretty broke.... I know I've mentioned a little about it and alluded to a little more..... but the truth is that it's more involved than just a little and there are a lot of things tied up in the marriage that are suffering because of it and all of that combined with the work...... and missing Molly because dammit I still miss her and love her and think about her every day.... well, it's all just a bit wearing.

Christopher's been on the road for over 10yrs. Yes, he's taken a promotion that allows him to be home more and we both think that's a good thing. But we moved into this house (we went from 1100sq ft. townhouse to 1900+ home) and he turned right around and went back out on the road and one by one, all the supports I had built underneath me started crashing to the ground..... with me underneath them. There were so many things that contributed to it....... many more serving to exacerbate the problem....... and in the end it was rather like "ashes, ashes, we all fall down". Only I neglected to tell anyone I was taking a London Bridge moment out of my life so when I hit the ground no one was around to notice. Nobody's fault but my own and I both understand and freely admit that. But the result was that, while my husband was gone and I was alone, I started buying things. Then, when my animals started dieing I bought more things........ when I got in a fight with my husband, I went shopping. Jazz broke his neck..... update the Mac's software package. Figaro dies in his sleep before Christmas...... get Bear and I his and hers gold watches..... Back in the beginning..... before I started losing the kids...... there was a trip to the Caribbean/New Orleans because I was depressed, the marriage was in trouble and I needed something to look forward to. So now, here we sit. Ten thousand dollars in debt and tearing each other and ourselves apart for it. We haven't really been good for awhile now and the money has just added to the frustration.

He's angry because he feels like we've got nothing to show for our lives together...... I'm angry (and have been for a long time) that he judges success by the quality and quantity of "stuff" he can show pride of ownership in. Because "you are what you own" and all that other blithering nonsense. While I've spent the first 10yrs of our marriage taking my pride in who we are and what we've become. He was always my home........ so owning one never really mattered to me. I loved the townhouse we rented just as much as I love this house..... maybe more in some respects because our marriage and our lives together seemed so much better there (a delusion I know) So, now when things should be easier for us, now that he's gotten a promotion (for about 30-40,000 a yr. less than before) which allows us to spend some real time together, now that we should be able to take a vacation, or buy a Harley, or spend some money on the house..... now we've got to dig ourselves out of debt first and we don't have the kind of income that we used to, to do it with. Oddly enough, I don't mind the reduction in "standard of living" all that much. Because in many respects our lives have been enriched by the lack rather than the other way around. Consumption of commodities for it's own sake has always seemed ridiculous to me. So I don't miss not being able to buy something "just because". But he's so angry....
and it's not getting better and he's not getting over it and I think he'll be mad at me forever for this. I've told him I accept responsibility for it........ I've explained that I was depressed.... suggested that maybe I was surrounded myself with "stuff" because it was something physical to keep with me even when he was gone (like a manifestation, if you will, of his love) and he was gone ALL THE TIME after we moved in here. But "excuses and explanations" don't mean much to him because all he really sees is that his Harley isn't in the garage and probably won't be for a very long time........ People who've been married almost 15yrs have ways of punishing each other......... he's frustrated, dismissive.... condescending even. So while he vents his frustration, I've been building a wall. Updating and reinforcing the armor I used to wear growing up. Armor that's been in the closet collecting dust for a very long time............. and Thursday, I told him about it.

I came home from work with the headache I've had since Tues.......... As usual, I came home to a mess in the kitchen (he works out of a room in the house I made into an office) and lights on all over the house because he wants the lights on if he's in the room and spaces out on turning them off when he leaves. We got into an argument about money (nothing major) and he went up to the office and I followed him. I told him that I was sorry, I wasn't angry, knew that he was and also knew that he was going to continue to be angry until he wasn't anymore. Then I told him that I just couldn't continue to let myself get beat up for it; so while he was trying to sort through his frustration and hostility..... I was building a wall around myself against them. Not because I was planning to leave... or even that I thought I ever might...... but that he should know that, if and when he gets over being angry with me, things will be different. I will be different.......
and I don't really know what that will look like for us.........

But it's funny, because none of this is any more or less true than it ever was when Molly was still here and somehow it still manages to be so much more over-whelming. Like all of the joy I had left was tied up in that furry little body and it went with her when she died. It's not that I can't continue. Or even that I don't want to. It's more that nothing really registers like it used to except that I'm exhausted and unhappy most of the time. Although I don't even really feel like I have the energy to put into that either.....

Yes, there's a new chin. Yes, he is fine. He's becoming more social...... he's learning a routine. He's fine. I am good to him and gentle with him and patient and kind.... and sometimes that's enough. But mostly, he's just not her. Not that I expected him to be you understand. As Bear said, "nobody will ever be Molly" and I absolutely realize that and know it to be true. It's just that the more time goes by, the more I feel like she was really the only thing I ever had that mattered to me and maybe she's also the only thing that ever will. How sad is that? It's a terrible disservice to my husband and my marriage. It belittles my family and my friends (hmmmmm..... do I really care if it does that to anyone but my husband?) And you know what? I don't care. People lie to each other. They do things that are unspeakable and then pay other people to find ways to justify it. People use words like forever in place of "as long as it's convenient or to my advantage" and then blame everybody else for their own failures. I haven't wanted to write for awhile because I haven't had anything nice to say and I really believe that sometimes it's better to just say nothing than to say something bad. And I have so bloody much to do and so very little help and I feel so ambivalent toward my husband and the animals........

I don't have time to write books. I don't have time to get out and work in the yard. My husband is working in his parents' yard and don't even get me started on that...... I have far too much to do and far too little time to do it and not nearly enough energy or commitment to anything beyond just the minimum of what will get me through at school. It'll get better....... I know it will.........

One step forward, two steps back.