Janine's Journal

Hello Girls!

My goodness gracious... Have I really been 3-D SINCE OCTOBER??????

It seems as if time must have jumped it's trajectory and gone shooting off into another galaxy, leaving me without a clear way to mark the passage of the seasons, or anything else for that matter.  On the one hand, so much has happened it's hard to know where to start.  On the other hand... perhaps it's only been one single instant that I've been gone and that instant is frozen under glass and compels me only to watch while everything changes around me...

When Christopher came home at the end of last season, he stayed home. The company hasn't had work for him until just the week before last.  It was a long time on unemployment. But it gave us a lot of space to sort through the pieces of our history and put them back together in a way that allows both of us to be hopeful about our future together and happy with the relationship we're building. A good marriage seems to always be a work in progress but at this point I think that the fact that we're BOTH working on it says a lot about how far we've come as a couple (I know, I know...

a couple of "WHATS" right??????).

We had both sets of parents over for Thanksgiving (mine are divorced, his are.....

still together although I'm not entirely sure they're happy about it...) and IT WAS WONDERFUL!!! The four of them have been over for dinner a couple of times in the past and they really seem to enjoy being here together as much as we enjoy having them. I'm hoping we can make a "mini" tradition (there are other family members to consider) out of it and do it again next year. Then maybe every other year after that... But of course, times change as do people and nobody should get wrapped up in the idea that they have an enormous amount of control over the way things play out.

We were both down with the flu over Christmas so we stayed home and hung with the critters... although Santa Bear got me a new laptop (the keys on my old one were falling off and it was telling me that it wanted brain surgery... and a heavy dose of electroshock therapy, so we retired it and started over with a new mac).... I love macs. If an electric "appliance" can be said to have personality and a temperament then I think macs are really just happy little buzz wires! Oh, and Santa Bear got a new HDTV and surround sound (more on that later).

Needless to say... Why do people say that when they KNOW they're going to say it anyway and that "needless to say" is really just the introduction for the point they're making, the story they're telling or the punch line that is coming for which NEEDLESS has absolutely no meaning?!...... I mean really........ It's all so NEEDLESS!!!!  ;-)

So I've been working a lot this season. Not as much long term stuff (substantially fewer pregnancies in the district this year) but with hubby Bear at home, we've needed every dollar I can bring in.  I'm thinking it's about time for me to get a math endorsement and apply for a full-time position. Probably middle school math because NOBODY wants to teach middle school and the desire to teach MIDDLE SCHOOL MATH ranks somewhere around emergency root-canal on the list of things most people would rather do without "thank you very much"!

My Mom had hand surgery last month.  Then she got a staphe-infection (how DO you spell that kind of "staff" anyway?) and had to be hospitalized and put on IV antibiotics. It was really rather shattering emotionally. I was afraid it was flesh-eating bacteria because NOBODY gets admitted to the hospital anymore unless they're going to die in the near future... Anyway, she lives about 45 min from us and my brother and I had been trying to convince her to move closer to where we're at when she sells her condo this spring. I was making the trip to see her along with working, having my Sugarpuss a couple of nights a week (she has swimming lessons on Tuesdays and Thursdays so those nights, we pick her up from daycare, drive down to the pool, change into swim togs, have the 30 min lesson, shower and change back, then hurry home to have dinner because she's STARVING by then)... So, I also do the grocery shopping, take care of all the household accounts/administration, most of the laundry, cleaning the house, taking care of the critters and... well, most stuff related to us actually living our lives... And I don't say that to be bitchy or pissy about it. I say that because being responsible for those things also gave me a certain amount of self-assurance and inner strength. It reminded me that there is some strength and courage in me. Which proved to be kind of a pivot point for me when Mom got sick. Ironically, having her in the hospital actually ended up making both of us pretty happy (and not in the sick, dysfunctional "of course my mom knows where all my buttons are SHE INSTALLED THEM!). It forced me to grow up and realize that if we put all of the "issues" we have with/in our relationship aside, she's just like every other woman I know including myself and is trying to do the best that she can......

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But soon enough we will all be gone and if I want to look back on our time together without regret, anger and remorse then I'd better start doing something about it right now.  I also learned that her circle of friends, these wonderful women she has in her life are an enormous part of what her life is all about. So although the time may come when we'll be forced to move her closer to where we are (my brother and I), at this point she's right... she really needs to stay in the area she already lives in. Her "girls" are as much her family as we are and she needs to be close to her "family".

... and I still think about Molly every day. I still wish she were here with me and wonder why she isn't... and Miss P died on Wed. April 16th. She was 6 years old...

and please... PLEASE, don't talk about god's plan, or that she's with all of our loved ones.... I just don't believe that's true. Because the truth is that terrible, awful, unexplainable things happen every day around the world and god never does anything to prevent it. You can't have free will if there's a "plan" and if taking my pets from me is part of the "plan" THEN THE PLAN SUCKS!  I have gotten the book on Buddhism that I started (in my search for answers) after Molly died and I am finding both truth and comfort in it's pages.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get out and work in the yard. I've made a lot of plans for home improvement over the last few months. Some of those plans involve painting all the rooms downstairs and making the living room into a library. Other plans were for the yard and include installing rain chains and catch barrels so we can water the garden with "caught" H20. I'm also going to dig out some of the rose bushes and replace them with a cutting garden and paint the railings of Kailey's crib with the same paint we used on the deck and then attach them to the house as a trellis. Then, perhaps next fall, I want to start a vegetable garden in front of our shed alongside the southern wall of the house/garage. We've had a REALLY long, late winter out here and we only seem to get one or two days a month to work outside so I've got to take advantage while I can...

Also, don't worry too much about me. I am actually doing pretty well. I haven't pulled my head into my shell and retreated from the world in despair... There's just too much to do. And for now, that's a good thing.

My love to you all~

J