BethMo's Journal

Ok....lots of stuff going on here.  I've been home for 21 days.....i've had Hannah the entire 21 days and wyatt for 14.........AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  is all I can say.  i'm in the middle of a major re adjustment.  My symptoms are flairing.....my children are wild.......my husband is angry......I have the test of a lifetime coming up.......and I'm ready to run screaming for the hills.

Let me explain.  I'm being switched from cymbalta to effexor....cymbalta did nothing for me.........and the effexor is finally starting to work.  however, I'm in the middle of a flare and the pain is so bad that I don't feel like I can more some days.....this of course is just the time that my children decide that they are deaf and immune to everything I say and do.....as a result my husband gets home after being gone for 8-10 hours a day and goes off about how he can't leave me at home with the kids and makes me feel like total crap.......... that helps....not!!!!!!!!

I feel like all I do is clean up messes and yell and punish and get pushed to the edge all day long....causing me more pain....continued flares and I get so worked up I have a hard time controlling my tongue.....

I feel locked in this cycle and I can't seem to get out of if.....my husband hasn't and won't be taking a vacation this summer.....so ....the only time I won't be with my children 24/7 is when I 'm at a 2 week full immersion prep course for my national certification test.....a performance test I might add that I am taking in less than one month.....this test has a 30% pass rate and my career hinges on passing this test before July 2008....talk about pressure........

I AM DROWNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I'm drowning and no one is willing to save me.....I can't seem to slow anything down and am being pulled along by this tidal wave called life and I'm stuggling to keep my head above the wave and i'm getting so tired.  I can't quit.....I can't stop.....I can't, I can't, I can't...........I am pushing myself and being pushed to death.....no one understands how truly desperate I feel.....they don't understand the pain........the mental anquish..........the desperation of my life.

no one wants to or is willing to help......

so......since I'm a master liar and thesbian......I come off calm cool and collected... trying to remember when i felt good last......when I used to be able to do lots of things and wondering how I got here........feeling this out of control and desperate........wondering how long I'll last before I completely shut down............wondering why me?  why have i had to suffer all of these things?  Why did I have to be molested?  Why did i have to be the one who had to suffer?  Why  didn't I tell....why did I carry feelings like it was all my fault for 20 years?   Why did I have to lose a baby that I wanted so much.....at 4 months pregnant?  Why did my body continue to support the pregnancy for the full 9 months.....why didi I have to have 2 d&cs ......why do I have high insulin........why didn't my body ovulate for 1 1/2 years........why did I have such an awful pregnancy the second time...and why was I allowed to suffer a non working gall bladder for a year and 1/2.......why did I get migraines for 6 months straight.....why do I have tmj?  Why do I get to be the one blessed with fibromyalgia.....a disease that makes me beg for cancer.....because atleast then I could get  better or die.........why am I the one blessed with an outlook of another 50+ years of this .........why do I always have to be the strong one....the kind one.....the patient one......the one in control........why don't I get to act like I feel.........angry......hurt.....confused.......aggravated.........why can't I be selfish?  why can't everyone else cater to me?  put my needs first?  make sure I'm ok.......why do I feel so alone?  Why do I feel so wrong?  why do i feel so much pressure to be something I'm not?

I know we are to count all suffering as blessing......God obviously has something big planned for me....in the meantime...I suffer and wait.......wondering......why me!