Going Home....
I have been gone for two weeks. He says he wants me home. However only as friends. I am going to try it and …
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I'm near tears. I don't exactly know why. I feel unstable. I wish I could turn off my emotions. I could function better without them at the moment. I keep thinking thoughts like I want to die even thought I don't want to die. I feel possessed by thoughts that aren't my own. I just want to cry until I'm done, but I can't seem to find a time or place to do that.
There are 100 reasons why I'm crying, I just don't know why at the moment. I don't want to die. I don't know why I keep thinking that. I need to go to work. I don't know how I'm going to function. I guess I don't have a choice. I do have a choice, but I need the money, so I'm going to choose to go even though I feel like I have a sign that says "Please hurt me." I'm not okay, but people are going to tell me I am okay or think I'm such a needy sponge. I wish I didn't feel needy. I wish I didn't need anything emotionally. No one can really help anyway. I have to get through this alone.
I think I was better off before I started to treat the depression. This part of getting better feels worse. I wonder if I am getting better.
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HOW AM I GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS DAY??????????????
LillyBlossom
I am praying for you to get through this day and feel better soon!
LBunnies
I know exactally how you feel. I have been feeling the same way for days. I want you to know you are not alone.
Athenean
With GOD'S help and lots of prayers you will make it sweetie. Please don't give up! I know it feels like it will never get better, but it does. You never forget the memories or the empty place that can't be filled, but day by day it improves. In Sept. it will be a year that I lost my mom. She lived across the street a few houses down from me and I can see the place she spent the last 10 years in. Every time I go out and come in I have to pass by it. We sold it to some people that we go to church with. I know that good people have it and they are taking very good care of it, but every time I pass by I want to run in and hug my mom. I went to her house at least three times a day to make sure she was o.k. and either take her food or cook something for her. We could go get her and bring her here until she got so sick she had to move in with my sister and brother-in-law and then I went to see her everyday. I know my circumstances are very different from yours and I know yours is much more painful. My mom was bed ridden for about two months before she died from the cancer. It went to her lungs and she lasted two weeks. My refuge is she is out of pain and is happy with her mother and family and friends in heaven. Who knows, our moms are probably friends now. They know no pain or no worries. I remember the day my mom died, she was talking out of her head all day and staring at one place on the wall, but she kept hanging on. When my sister left the room and it was just mom and I, I said,"Mom I love you with all my heart and I will miss you terribly, but it is o.k. if you go, I am o.k. with it." She said, "I feel better now knowing that". Around 9:30 that night we were standing at her bed and she said very plain, "Open up the doors Jesus, I am coming in." At 11:30 she lifted her hand and said I can't breathe and was gone.
My heart is open to your pain and suffering and I wish you could feel better. Just remember she is peaceful and happy and she would want you to be also.
I love you sweet girl,
Jean
JeaninAlabama