freeflowpoet's Journal

Hell how do I let people know what emotion I am when there is no emoticon that shows how I feel? I'm happy nothing's wrong in my little world but i'm also not feeling that sure of myself, a bit confused and apart of me hurts, I'm more than ok in person but inside feels horrible and there is no emotion that is half and half, if you know what I mean.

As you may already know from other entries, I've been working on my BPD from a workbook called 'The Angry Heart', I'm up to chapter 9 - moving through the recovery zone and while I was working away doing one of the excerises I realised that I feel happy with my progress but I'm feeling a hole opening up inside and it hurts.

I can see am image of myself reaching into my emotional baggage and pulling out bits of paper (with all scripts and memories from my past - all I know) and I'm ripping them all up into tiny bits of confetti and the baggage is getting lighter and lighter - Now this is good, this is growth. I feel I'm getting peace and tranquility BUT that is something I don't know how it feels and how can I describe a feeling I have no idea of, hence I feel like a hole is opening up inside me screaming to be filled but the peace and tranquility is lighter than my emotional weight and it feels starnge and foreign, I hurt inside but it is a lighter filling and it is a healing deep within.

I'm confused how come the healing hurts but it's good? I feel like I'm ripping my whole life as I knew it apart and have this new 'nothingness' to replace it and it's unknown and strange to sit with. Apart of me is struggling to hold on to what I know but it's not healthy, it doesn't help me move towards my goals - yeah it had purpose once but no more, and there's this other part that wants to embrace it so bad but I'm so scared all at once.

I'm just confused and feeling out of sorts, I'm wearing half happiness and half saddness today

but I'm only going forward one step at a time.