jaycee's Journal

Coming up on a whole year since Billy has been gone.  This month is sooo hard.  Everything reminds me...the fall colors, the gray mornings, the cooler weather, hunting season, football, the end of soccer, beginning of volleyball, homecoming, senior year that my daughter has to go through without her best friend, senior pictures, everything.I keep reliving the night we heard, where we were, what was said, what we did, how none of us believed it.  Snow is on its way.  He loved snow. Halloween is just around the corner,  I hate the decorations everywhere.  Senior night for football is Friday, he should be standing there receiving recognition too, but instead, I will give a flower and balloon in his memory to each senior football player who would have played with him this year.  And then wrestling begins....same thing.  You know, they say the first year is the hardest, because there are so many firsts...first birthdays, first Christmas, first everything.  But if you think about it, it will always be that way.  He will never have a wife, he will never have a child, or a job, or graduation, there will be firsts forever for everyone else, but he will never get that.  It breaks my heart.  Do you know that last year on this day I had exactly 14 more days to love my Billy in this world, and I didnt even know it then.  We hauled his memorial stone up to the top of the mountain that he spent so much time hunting on, and where he was killed, last weekend.  My husband cemented it into the rock on the side of the mountain.  Someday, when another of us passes, we will spread Billys ashes, along with one of us, on that mountain, because he was afraid to be alone. Until then, he will be in his bedroom, in his home.