butterflyinthewind's Journal

I have been in the mood to read the past few days..........I rarely want to read any more....When I was young until I 30 years old.  I read like someone obsessed.  I could not stop reading sometimes if the story was good - I would literally skip school, work whatever.  I just loved to read.  I needed to read when I was young.  It somehow made my life right.  Outside of reading my life was a nightmare.  I have read the bible 3 times in my life.  Out of everything that I have read in my entire life, nothing has given me greater joy to read than my current book.  It's called "The Angel Book"   A handbook for aspiring angels, BY Karen Goldman.

I want to be remembered as an "Angel"  WE ARE ALL ANGELS  Thank you  friends for being MINE!

I believe in angels.................WHY ARE THEY HERE:  Karen says:::  Angels are here to show us our own possibilities.  They are here to let us know we havent been forgotten.  They are here to extend a hand to us whether we need a lift or not.  They are here to re-aquaint us with everything wonderful about living.  They are here as a gift.

I'm going to write more just been in a funk.  I want to be enlightened, but working through all my shit has become to much for me.  Sometime I feel 2 steps away from the cookoo's nest!

I'm not ready to deal with my eating disorders............

I am having a really hard time with following through with my plans right now......It's OK I will be ready soon.  I am trying to understand myself.  I can't!  I am only now understanding that this is going to require full time work.  I am like a junky when it comes to food!  I know some of you can relate.  I am even worse than that.  I have realized that I have a OCD issue with food like stuff to deal with.  Example:  I have superstitions that I have to follow.  If I eat a hot dog,  I have to have a pickle.  If I have spaghetti I have to have garlic bread.  If I drink tea it has to have 2 tbls sugar and a good squeeze of lemon.  This list goes on and on and on......I have told you this because maybe, just maybe you can understand why it is hard for me to diet.  When my food does not mesh with my superstitions I will call it,  I am a nut case!!!!!  It's all I can say!  I just can not stop obsessing over wanting it and then needing it.

Double trouble because I have quit smoking.  I have gained 15 pounds since I quit smoking.  Now I have to loose it.  Are you following my nightmare of issues.  I know that you all think I am just lazing out. 

Remember I have OCD food related issues that I need to work out.  Soooooooooo

My new therapist has advised me to go to OA, Overeaters Anonymous.  Everyday!

That's where the full time effort came into light............Trying to get to this place!  I will have to keep you posted on this!

I can't thank you dear friends enough for understanding that you guys are my angels that lets me vent and say the things that no one else probably cares about.

Always loving you! 

Your Angel