butterflyinthewind's Journal

Dearest Ashley,

I feel like someone that missed out on the opportunity of getting to know you!  I am so sad about that because I wanted to know you.  When you were little, I got to spend some time with you.  Your mom and I would baby-sit together and of course you were always with us.  I was not so open to hanging out with you when you were little because I just wanted to be a kid.  I have felt extreme guilt about that.  I just wanted to tell you that I always loved you.  When your mom moved to northern California I was not  able to make it out to where you guys lived.  I have always wanted to visit, but have not been able to due to finances.

The times that we got together have been few and far between since the move to Northern California.  These are the times that I remember and cherish.  Sal and I married December 29, 1991.  You were there for it.  I remember how beautiful you were.  I told you that you looked like a movie star and you looked at me like I was crazy.  I can remember from the first time I told you that you thought it was a lie.  I remember that I always wondered why you could not believe that to be true.  Another time I remember having good times with you was at your aunt Rachels house in Oceanside.  We went swimming and played a lot together at that time.  I also remember the time that Sal and I camped out in front of your house when you lived across the street from the high school.  Your aunt Rachel’s wedding was such a short visit for us.  You were actively feeling depressed at that time and you did not talk to me much.  I remember saying to myself then, I wish Ashley wanted to know me better.  I know that you loved me, because I was like your auntie.  I just wish that you loved me because you knew me. 

I will always cherish the summer of 2006 at Aunt Nicky's.  I adored you because you treated my baby Kaylani so well.  It was the first time that you and KK connected.  She had many stories to share.  Some of them worried me.  All of them made me love you even more.  I remember thinking then that I wish I was KK.  The only long conversation you and I have ever shared was about God.  You told me that you had been baptized and that you were proud of where God was leading you.  I remember looking at you outside Aunt Rachels, sitting on her green couch sitting under the sun looking like a Goddess.  I felt so proud of you!  I realize now more than ever that the 2006 Thanksgiving will be our special memory.  I just wish that when I told you how beautiful you were that you would of smiled and said I know or thank you!  Instead you looked down and then back at me and gave me your just crazy look.  It makes me proud to know and understand how humble you were.  KK did not go with us to Aunt Rachels for 2006 Thanksgiving, I am so sorry for that.  She is too. 

If you got to know me you would know that I am a safe person to love.  I am a person that would protect you with my life.  Your secrets would be safe with me.  I am someone that you could get completely goofy with and then when it’s time to be serious I would make you understand when that’s important in such a nice way.  I would listen to your every word and every one of your words would be pondered.  After I pondered your thoughts I would have shared my thoughts with you.  I would have figured out quickly what your favorite meal was and made it for you any time you wanted.  I would have moved heaven and earth to help you, if I could!

The thing that makes me so sad is I don’t know what I could have experienced had I got to know you.  I am grateful to know the people that did get to know you.  They have all shared such great stories and it has helped me.  I am glad that you were blessed with the wonderful family that you had.  My dearest Ashley I thank you for understanding that I wish we had so many more memories.  I thank you for knowing that I love you and will promise to think about you until we meet again in heaven.  I know you know that I need angels sometimes.  I have always had bad luck and need all the help you and your friends can give me.  My grandma Edna is one of my angels.  You would love her dearly, find her for me, it gives me a peace to know she has you, and you her!

Loving you Forever

Charity