JJGestapo's Journal

I feel jealous, or so I have decided that is what it is, because he mentions her, and soem of their particular memorable moments, jsut as today we were talking about music and instruments, and I mentioned hwo I used to play in my high school band for many years and he mentioned how he used to play violin.  Then he went on to add how he had to play for a school concert of hsi with this girl who woudl later be his ex-girlfriend, in a duet pair, and how she was so nervous b/c teh guy she liked was playign with her in front of everybody.

I look at what we have now, an dwhiel thigns are so much better tah before, I find myself thinkign he, well, i don't knwo....still thinks about her all the time.  I mean, sure i practicaly live with him here at school, we almost always share teh same bed, btu it is overwhelming ideas taht crush togetehr in to many nagging ones taht leda tp sam econclusions

such as,  I still don't knwo what he finds to be so interesting or attractive about me, why he decides to stay with me intsead of any other girl he could wnat or have.  Or he never tells me what interest him in our intimate part of our relationship -i don't know if he plainly doesn't have anythgin he is intersted in but he doesn't even tell em or eveen hints to what he likes.  And we canget into some pretty dumb debates about daily random subjects.....I jsut feel soemtimes there si a conflict of interests, and I keep wondering why he likes me.  Maybe because we are buried in school here is why he seems so distracted maybe, but I am in a far worseboat than him classes/grades wise, so I see no reason for him to make it seem leik its onyl hs problems.....tahst nto teh point but.......

 I don't knwo, i jsut feel a bti distubed about subjects of exs soemtimes, liek he still has more feelings for her than me -he seems to remeber a lto fo fond thigns with her than soem times with us.

Maybe ist jsut becaus eI am tired and think to much whie I am writn gmy history paper here taht leads me to dwell too much.

 It doesn't help taht i feel a bti distant between su ever since he told em basically taht ack in high school he was oen of those class studs - part of teh football team, popular girls here and tehre, partying drinking and lusty sex.  all in all, he wasn't a vrigin when he had me whe I was for him and having taht all lied abotu ontop of every other lie, he had alraedy had soem random grisl from befor ein hsi flings from high school career.  I mena, sure we have worked past that, btu its things liek taht woith his ex dealings on top of it traht jsut build up on my chest and shoulders, and any faults I fidn in myself taht jsut keep adding teh fuel to it all.

I think I am thinkign to much, but teh thoughts bother me, and at times, with everythign between us from before but still lingers ever so stringly back in ym head....it jsut all comes togetehr.  Maybe tahts why i feel "jealous" or whatever this feelign is.  Feeling insecure and take soemthign otufo proportion

..................

I think I shoudl finish up my historu paper now, btu tahnk you fo rlistenign to my thughts!!!!!

By teh by, I am deeply interested in writign a story fo mine!!!