JJGestapo's Journal

I shoudnt eb doing this b/c it is not poistive and I am against it but I iwll slelf wallwo for now.

I hate myself and I almsot wish I wasnt I.  Who cares about teh 5th wheel, I see no logic behind what joy and prupose I brign to people.I hinder I burden, I complain adn whine and see attention of others to make myself feel better.

I want to scraem and shodul and hit and bite soemthign so much I am so angry and sad and anxious and just everythign, btu I knwo taht woudl do nothign fo rme.  I think I need ot take on a vwo of silence and keep my mouth shut.

I kno tomoorw I jsut may blabber out but I feel leik I cant stop myself.  Maybe it is best I dotn bruden peopel with my woes and fears an dworries and problems bc everyoen has enough and they dotn need to be botherede with mine.  All taht woudl do is make peoplemsierabel an dtehy woryr over me who si a no body and nto too significant in teh world.

Thsi jsut may be oen of those woe sis me moments, btu I am sick of it.  where else I am supposed ot go?  My whoel friggin face is raw with tears and snot an dtissue rubs, my hands are jittery and my muscles in my neck and back are tight with anxiety waitign to uncoil and relase teh tension btu tehey cant.  My lungs feel worthless  and my brian is a wreck righ tnow.  i am tired and ugly and I dont want to deal withmyself.

if no oen can deal with me, then tell me what mr prince charmign is goign to dela witha  train wreck leik ymself?  What hoenst guy will look at me and say, I love her b/c sh eis teh most beautiful thign and teh worl an di love her for who and what she is and nothign matters?  What friend swill me, when will i nto be teh 5th wheel?  WHen will I not feel out of placem bullie dout of conversation, my thoughts words and ideas all worng and my prioritees messed up.  i am wrong.

I have teh worng boyfriend, i ditched my best friend, i picked tehworn g college and I am on probation and flunking classes righ tand lefft, I am not scoically ok in school, i made no new fireds in college.  I suck, I am peety and jealous and selfish and I wnat to be loved.  I jst figured out taht I may only be datign my current bf b/c he asked me out and i felt accepted.  I am preety sure I liek him, and that I loev him btu I feel leik when i meausre myself up to everyoen else, I suck.  Evreyoen else has magic monets an dis so happy, my other freidn K has such goofy funny moents with her bf taht are all cute and special, and it is liek when i try tellign of my bf and my special moments I get taht uncomforabel silence leik it is "ummmm ok whatvere taht was lame."

i get it, i suck I knwo taht an dI am jsut goign to shut up from now on.  Teh end.  I dotn need to blunder popel and tehir lives an droutine, I just need to disapera from them, leave tehm aloen and stop botheirng everyoen.  God who teh fuck woudl wnat me?