JJGestapo's Journal

I knwo I flunked 3 classes, but I passed the labs for the 2.  Calc 2, Ochem 2, Physics 2; for ochem and physics I passed the labs fine, btu the classes.  I just kind of gave up on them.  I feel adrift, I feel like the wind has stopped filling my sails and I am just bobbing in place on the sea swells.  I have never felt any direction in my life, and all things I aspire towards feel so far out of reach, falling short and tripping into an abyss.

I want to work with my hands, soemthign simple enough that I can understand and do, and not fuck up and get in unfixable touble for.  OS many people have told me to get into writing, btu it had been so long since soemthign fresh has coem to me, the one fanfiction idea for Inuyahsa fell through with great concepts from Fatal Frame to mingle in, but now I have foudn an interest in Bleach.  I have drawn a couple pictures on my deviant art profile for my character in the works for it, and it has been a nice break from all teh work.

Speaking of work, I am starting landscaping tomorrow with my friend Sam who's just back from college, it wil lbe nice to make some $$ again.

As fo rmy future, my job I need help, btu I dont knwo who or where to turn.  It seems thigns are going "Green" and the enviornmental sciences are the latest craze, I already have my foot in the door -I am in SUNY ESF -Enviornmental Science and Forestry.  I went there for wildlife biology, to study animals or whatver its does, but as my day of arrival approached, i changed my major to Chemist, and now more specifically, Biochemist.  My dreams when I was little were a vet, then a marine biologist, then to wild life biologist to chemist it seems, but I want to work with animals, I want to knwo them, study them, interact and preserve them, preserve lands and resources and teh earth's natural beauty untouched by man.

I hate how everyone seems to be excelling, doing so well and getting their dream jobs while I am thinking of going back into the biology and getting repremanded for my stupidy for making usch a move.  i want a job, i want to work, I want to get over my fear of driving and clear up my skin and make myself beautiful and love myself.  I want my boyfriend to stop being so lazy and get involved, do stuff, be outlandish and take risks like everyone else and find a way on top!!!  I want to go Alaska, Montana, I want to see the world!  I want to learn how to draw better and write a book and have people feel the same love I do with each character.  I want to be confident, I want to lead and take charge, I want to be heard and respected.  I want to get a horse, and ride, learn to jump and crosscountry, I want to steeple chase and race.  I want to be smart, i want to be abel to learn well and nto be retarded and lazy anymore.

........calm myself.  I got my one wish, I am back home, I am with my family and friends again.  My Aunt Linda is back home and each day her muscles are getting stronger and her spirit is strong.  After her attack wiith her disease, I saw her unable to talk b/c of a trach, on ventialors and unabel to even move her head ro fingers or toes, almost paralyzed in a sense.  now she is hoem, talking again, startin to walk, lifting her arms to her face, breathing on her own, back at home.  I am back in my narural environment, I need to recoop fast and excell myself, I need to do good.  I have to, nto just for my family, but so I can stop wallowing liek soem weak swine.  My friend Sam has had it FAR ROUGHER than me, having moved over 7 tiem sin these past 5 years, and no stabel family, no one to help her with college or help her ger a decent car to get to work and school, no one to make her dinner or do laundry everynight.  Why shoudl I woe myself??  I need to be strong, I need that will, that motivation.  I dread getting up at 6:30 tomorrow to get picked up at 7:30 and launch myself into work, but soemtimes you need to jump blind I guess.  It means money, income, savings.  Money towards schooling and buying the things I need and want.  I need to organize myself, i gto lazy and I snuffed everythign off.  I cant blame Rory, its my fault, I should have gotten him to get off his lazy ass and do shit too.

Hmm more goals I think, btu insteda of focusing only on dreams taht are reasonable, I need to think far ahead too, I need to dream and aspire.

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!11  I just lost teh 5 ectra paragrpahs of motivation  I wrote here, so oh well, maybe I can work on taht too.  I can do this, I can do my goal list taht I made, i can take care of myself, so I can talke care of my family later when they are old and I am young.  I need to start takign responsibilty, for myself for my actions.

Damn its so late, imay eb beat fo rtomorrow, btu I will do whatever it takes. I jsut pray thsi surge of eneergy wil pull em through, I need to do well, i must succeed, I will conquer!!!! XD

PLEASE WISH ME LUCK!!!

I will add a gol updater thignger later XD ok so I am procaratsign ating btu I want to do soem stuff befro eI go to bed!!!