Just30's Journal

Well, the weekend is over, so here comes the stress.  That is alot of my problem, STRESS!  I just worry about things far too much.  Everybody had their average, everyday stressers in life, but my problem with stress is eating me alive!  The thing is , i know i overstress, and people tell me all the time, "what is worrying about it going to do?" The worrying doesn't do much for the problem or factors in life,  but it sure is taking a round out of me!

When i was 5 and a half months pregnant with my "angelic" son, the standard, normal ultrasounds that every pregnant moms have, turned out to be "life aultering" for us all!  The doctor told me that there was something abnormal found on the untrasound so i needed to come in and see him right away.

When i got there, he told me that my unborn son's lower extremities (both legs) did not form properly.  My sons left leg only developed down to his knee, and his right leg did not form at all.

Of course this threw me for a loop, and all i could do was cry.  At the time my relationship with his biological father was good and we were preparing to get married.  After 2 weeks of crying and praying, my fiance called his parents to come and  help him pack up his stuff to leave us!

My baby was a planned baby, we just got ingaged, and i never loved a man the way i loved this one.  Of course when he left, that too, left me devestated.  So as far as emotional pain goes, i have had my share.   I have my share everyday when i leave the house and deal with alot of ignorant, unloving, and unexcepting, and cruel people out there.  I have had to learn to be an example to him so everytime we get a "look" or response from a stranger, I have to deal with it accordingly.

There are times boy o boy, that i could just haul off and drive someone because of what they say or how they look at me and my son.  It's hard, everyday dealing with that alone.  Because it is so important how i deal with it (his disability) i discover how much i really do hold in.  I battle with dealing with it, and what's right and whats wrong, what's healthy and what isn't, what's appropriate, and whats mature or immature.  My first response is to hurt them.  I want to hurt them emotionally the way they are hurting us by staring or saying something rude.

A child's self esteem and understanding how to love themselves, it detrimental to their whole life and being.  With my son not having his legs like the typical person, i have to always teach him that everyone is different, and in order for him to feel accepted for who he is, he needs to know how to love and accept other people no matter how they are.  That includes the people that like to be nasty.

It's hard to teach him to acccept the person for who they are and not 'judge" them, even when they are looking or staring and judging him.  I'm always teaching him to be the better person.  I know in my heart that im doing the right thing here, but the pressure to learn and gain good parenting skills is extremely hard!  I love him so much!!! All parents love their children, and im sure they can relate to what i am saying.  I think i need to talk to a professional about my feelings.  I am so scared to make a mistake.  I almost feel that there is no room for mistakes, it makes me worry about him and his future.  I feel like, most parents, that im trying to stop evey, and anything from hurting him.  We all want to shelter our children from pain, and i know they need to experience things in order for them to learn, but i can't seem to stop worrying so much.  It truely makes my days, nights, and any good times,  ruined because of worry.

If there are any people out there, parents or not, that have excessive worry or panic, i would love to hear from you!   I love to help people and kids out there as much as i can, but i think i need a little help on this one myself!

signed,

Just30 (worry wort)