jenniferwolf4u's Journal

I admitted myself into the local psych ward about two months ago now for thoughts of suicide brought on from depression caused from a drunk induced sadness.  The hospital only kept me for 2 days.  Did a lot of drawing, listening to music and a couple games.  I knew this stay was not going to help me in anyway, the people who were in there with me were obviously there for a "vacation" and were demanding release after only had been there one night.  I didn't really understand the treatment seeing as I was only there for 2 days but I know with my chronic manic depression I was right where I needed to be.  I put my family and my wonderfull mother through this, my mood swings, so often.  I am not out to hurt or scare my family, it just happens.  I currently am only on 100mg of Zoloft a day and now I have been off it for 3 weeks until I can get into see my doctor again, he can't see me any sooner and will not prescribe me any medication until I see him because I haven't seen him since before I went into the hospital.  Years ago I was on 175 mg/day of zoloft and prozac but quit taking them because I felt zombie like and could not function so I self medicated with alcohol "now those were some really scary times" bad choice.  I feel like the Zoloft works when I take it.  Right now however I have been off it for long enough now I feel myself sinking back into a rut.  I feel the anxiety and attacks coming on stronger daily, uncontrolable crying and racing thoughts & rage that consumes my mind & my every thought.  I can hardly wait to get back onto my medications.  I have really been trying to control my drinking the past couple of weeks because I know it will only depress me and make everything worse.