Join Now
Two entries in one night... I have therapy later today in the afternoon. I really enjoy my sessions with my therapist, Dan. Sometimes I worry what I will do when the time comes that I will no longer see him professionally. It fills me with alot of anxiety so much so I don't think about it at all anymore. I have developed an affection, not romantic affection, but a genuwine graditude. He has done so much for me and listened to every detail of my life. He is the one person who knows everything! I have not one friend who I truely believe I could tell everything to. I feel so alone but for that one hour every week. I know he understands all the different aspects of what happened to me physically, emotionally, and biochemically. I rambling I know but in 5a.m. and I have to be up till 8 a.m. when the morning shift comes to relieve me. Damn I'm glad I don't have to do awake overnights alot. It's nice to have a place to go and just know that I'm surrounded by people who might just have an understanding of what it is that I'm going through. Everyone situation is unique but I keep hoping someone has had the same formula to their life that I have.
I'm still struggling with the reality that I was almost successful in killing myself in august. Everyone seems to avoid it, but its on my mind almost everyday. It hasn't gone away and I don't know what else I can say to people to get them to understand what about it I am so stuck on. At the same time that I have a huge apprieciation for live and having lived, I also wish that it had worked and I had died. It would be so much easier than dealing with the 10,000 dollars in medical bills and the scorned former roomate who curses me for ruining her life. I almost died, and she's pissed because even though my family moved me home and I'm still paying rent to satisfy my portion of the lease I'm not paying a third of the bills. Um HELLO? I don't live there, I'm not using the water, or making garbage, or using electricity! Why would I pay that? But of course all the stress she endured from MY suicide attempt caused her entire left side of her body to spasm so she had to go on muscle relaxers and pain killers which is sooooo horrible for her hyper mobility. I hate to be selfish but isn't a suicide attempt kinda about the person who tried to commit suicide??? I know she wasn't there to watch my vitals till 4 a.m. like my brother an his wife, and of course she didn't have to hold my hand while they did the ecg or put the IV in. No she didn't have to see the worst of it. She didn't get to meet the nurse they put on for my suicide watch. She didn't have to wait to see if I was going to wake up. She didn't have to see them put a walker in front of me when I did wake up because they had no idea what damage I did to my brain. I know she has a right to be mad about some things, but she's mad about the wrong things. I paid all my rent, and if I had been dead then I wouldn't have! My head hurts. I know I'm selfish, but I really realized the value of my own life that night, and I was hurt that she made it so trivial. She made my miracle of life into an inconvience for her. She devalued me. Am I so wrong to be so hurt still?
I'm still struggling with the reality that I was almost successful in killing myself in august. Everyone seems to avoid it, but its on my mind almost everyday. It hasn't gone away and I don't know what else I can say to people to get them to understand what about it I am so stuck on. At the same time that I have a huge apprieciation for live and having lived, I also wish that it had worked and I had died. It would be so much easier than dealing with the 10,000 dollars in medical bills and the scorned former roomate who curses me for ruining her life. I almost died, and she's pissed because even though my family moved me home and I'm still paying rent to satisfy my portion of the lease I'm not paying a third of the bills. Um HELLO? I don't live there, I'm not using the water, or making garbage, or using electricity! Why would I pay that? But of course all the stress she endured from MY suicide attempt caused her entire left side of her body to spasm so she had to go on muscle relaxers and pain killers which is sooooo horrible for her hyper mobility. I hate to be selfish but isn't a suicide attempt kinda about the person who tried to commit suicide??? I know she wasn't there to watch my vitals till 4 a.m. like my brother an his wife, and of course she didn't have to hold my hand while they did the ecg or put the IV in. No she didn't have to see the worst of it. She didn't get to meet the nurse they put on for my suicide watch. She didn't have to wait to see if I was going to wake up. She didn't have to see them put a walker in front of me when I did wake up because they had no idea what damage I did to my brain. I know she has a right to be mad about some things, but she's mad about the wrong things. I paid all my rent, and if I had been dead then I wouldn't have! My head hurts. I know I'm selfish, but I really realized the value of my own life that night, and I was hurt that she made it so trivial. She made my miracle of life into an inconvience for her. She devalued me. Am I so wrong to be so hurt still?
