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I get so lost in trying to understand why I can't seem to get things together that I forget that I need to have the self discipline to get better. I hate being so constantly controlled by my dissasociation and anxiety. They dictate where I go, who I can go with, and how long I can be there. I'm tired. Too be honest I think thats the biggest attraction for suicide is that I am just so tired! Tired of the memories, the negative coping mechanisms, my sister and her borderline personality disorder. I'm tired of being an incest survivor! I want these memories to just go away! I don't want to remember anymore, I know I wasn't any happier when I was still repressing it all but still... I don't wat to remember. I hate the innapropriate times that new memories come through... I'm just so tired, I will always long for the sweet release of death and nothingness. Most days I wish I had been successful last time. I finally had the courage to do it, I finally swallowed all the pills. The average person would have died, why didn't I???? Whatever I know I shouldn't think these things but if I don't get them out then what do I do with them?! God please help me or just get it over with!
