rutowsle's Journal

I cried most of this morning, I woke up to a message on my phone from a company I owe money to. I only have about $600 worth of bills a month but I'm only making like 500. I was financially self suficient in August before my attempt and now I'm afraid to work. The thought of an eight hour shift terrifies me. I can handle awake overnights when I don't have to deal with any clients but the thought of an eight hour shift and having to interact with a client makes me sick just thinking about it. I'm worried about not being able to hold a job, and I work for my brother! I don't want to dissapoint him but just thinking about some of this shit makes me feel like I'm gonna have a panic attack. I've been seriously thinking about all this for the past few days and I've had a horrible week. I've had to take meds every night to go to bed, last night my anxiety was so bad I couldn't fall asleep because of all the horrible thoughts going through my head. At one point during the night I woke up crying after a dream where I damaged my brain to the point where I couldn't speak anymore and my niece Willow was sitting on my bed signing to me. The dream still upsets me. I feel very lost, I feel like I'm living day to day (which I am) but my biggest problem is I live day to day because thats all I can remember! Therapy, I have therapy on friday morning... Two days it will be ok. I haven't cut or burned in a long time (6 weeks maybe) I'm doing good. It just doesn't feel like it right now.