rutowsle's Journal

So I still haven't talked to anyone about what happened on Valentines Day. It still is really emotionally overwhelming. My mother made a comment that I blew my sister out of the water with the things I said to her. I instantly started crying and told her I wasn't ready to talk about it. I have an appointment today at 3pm (It's 1:30 am now) with my therapist so I think it's about time that I talk to someone. I would have at least tried to talk to him last week (the day it happened) but I gave myself alcohol poisoning and was vomiting uncontrollably the entire night. So I cancelled my appointment and I didn't have to address it. My sistr is in the middle of a rather bad divorce and she came by on Valentines Day to drop off cards from my niece for myself and my brother and sister-in-law. She sat down, wanting to talk, and I let her talk. I dissasociated enough to make a number of supportive statements, and when the conversation turned to what she did to me when we were kids, she told me that she broke me. Despite how I really feel a majority of the time, I told her she didn't break me. I told her my life wasn't her fault, I told her I wouldn't be who I am if I hadn't gone through that. It's all true, its all stuff I have come to believe, but its almost like I didn't want her to know that. If I tell her that than I can't be angry anymore and I am. I feel like a crossed a boundary that I wasn't ready to cross. I also told her that on the days that I can handle being there for her I would be. Trust me thats not often! I think I've only been supportive to her twice now in the past four years? Both times I became extremely dissociative, and afterwards the emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. To top off the entire experience I gave her a real hug and told her I loved her. That seems like a bad dream now. I wasn't ready to do or say any of what I did that day. I don't know how I can feel so much empathy for someone I am so incredibly angry at for so much more than the sexual abuse. I'm confused... I don't want to let my guard down with her.