rutowsle's Journal

I don't even know how to process what happened this morning. It feels like a dream to me. I've been dissociative since her visit. I don't even know if I want to talk about it yet. I have therapy tomorrow so hopefully I will have come out of this daze and be able to talk to Dan. I have so much anger and mistrust, even hate for my sister... How could I have been so simpathetic? How could I have held her and said those three words when all I really want to do is scream at her and make her hurt as much and as long as I have? Maybe deep down I know it would have been wrong but the panic attack I had after she walked out the door says otherwise. I'm so confused and I just want to sleep. My head feels so strange, like I'm ready to faint or float away. I hate when I feel like this. I'm afraid I'm going to burn myself tonight. I will be alone for most of the evening and that's when my mind gets the best of me. I want to drink and just forget the pain and confusion and pass the fuck out. I can't feel my body. I tried taking a shower, I tried getting out of the house but it all is just so surreal. I wish I could be "normal"...