rutowsle's Journal

Well I had my 100th session with my therpist on thursday... I've been so engrossed in school and getting drunk I haven't been putting much effort into my therapy except while there. There are a lot of things I could focus on right now (most of them being about my sister) but really all I want to do is get my school work done and get drunk or stoned. I can't concentrate half the time when I am trying to get my work done and I'm just so frustrated with myself that I just want to escape. I don't want to deal with people. I wish I lived alone so I could just do school work and wallow in a beer afterwards. I guess most of my problem is the added seasonal depression and of course I'm being a complete dumb@ss about my meds and taking them sporadically. Now I have to try to write an essay and I've never written one! Of course I have to learn but learning isn't something I seem to be doing all that well lately. I'm angry at myself for my drug use and the effect that its had on my brain. I know its my own fault school is so frustrating to me. I'm angry at my sister too. I'm angry that she's getting help, I want her to for her kids but if she gets better than I am going to look like the bad guy for not jumping on the bandwagon going oh yeah she finally changed! Woo hoo I won't believe it, I CAN'T believe. I can't be vunerable to her ever again. I can't put myself in that kind of role ever again because no matter what she is my abuser and she has BPD and there is no way that it will ever be a "good thing" for me and her to play "sisters". Oh I just want to scream! I feel like screaming at everyone how angry I am and how much I want them all to feel the physical pain that I feel,that it has manifested itself into! I'm just so f#king angry!!