rutowsle's Journal

Since my dicovery in therapy last week I've had my whole perception rocked quite thoroughly. My sister aparently has entered a sexual abuse program through our county. Right now I really rely on being able to hate her. It gives me reason to hurt myself and it gives me reason to have some excuse to fall back on. If I can't let go of my hate then somehow I excuse myself of responsibility for certain actions. I hate to admit it but its true. I guess its better to be able to admit it than to try to hide my faults. If she gets better, if she legitimately changes and becomes a better person than what do I have? Nothing but my anger and resentment for who she used to be. I've built myself up against the person she has been my entire life... But what if she really does start to change? If she really does then she will be able to accept and understand if I won't change our relationship from what it is. Which really isn't a relationship at all. I ignore her completely and pretend she doesn't even exist. It is all to protect myself because everytime I expose a vunerable piece she drives shards of broken glass in as soon as the vunerability is exposed.
The other thing that really makes me feel upset, is if everyone in my family can forgive her, I know I'll feel hurt. I'll feel betrayed by them... I don't know why but I need them on my side, I need them to hate her too. I don't understand all of my feelings, a good portion of them feel very selfish and child-like. I know I have certain regression patterns, nothing of course like some people have to deal with, but they are all regressions patterns non-the-less. My therapist once told me he rubs the corner of his pillow for the textile stimulation, and rubs through the fabric quite quickly.
You know I admit things on here that seem so small and even some things that feel bigger to me at the time but I've never told them to anyone else. I feel better for it though.