rutowsle's Journal

Breakthrough!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow yesterday during therapy I felt like I got hit by a train! I still haven't had time to sit down and process it all, and put in the new puzzle piece and see what other pieces go with it but I will hopefully tonight get some time to write and make my realizations... Ok so here is how it all kinda went down.
I wrote my sister Beth (my abuser and BPD family member) this like 4 or 5 page letter. Nothing I would ever give to her because theres really no point she just wouldn't get it anyways. Whatever, so in it I had alot of very anger based statements like "I hope you hurt constantly because the hurt never will go away for me, I live everyday longing for death." Ok so yeah not very nice things to wish for a person right? Well thats kinda why I wouldn't give it to her I knew as usual I was venting alot of my anger. I wrote it last week the night that I was struggling with wanting to overdose and kill myself. Well this letter I wrote was the precurser to feeling that way.
I almost didn't bring it into therapy uyesterday but at the last moment getting out of my car I grabbed it because I knew considering what I had struggled against post-letter (ha ha mail joke) that Dan would want to read it and talk about it. Ok so right in front of our faces this whole time, we both were shocked to have not seen this before. Ok so here it is
I hurt myself because I can't physically harm her. Ok so sounds really stupid right? No, I have always had this whole identity confusion with my sister, everyone says we look alike and sound alike and blah blah blah. I get really upset when people accidentally call me Beth, I mean people who don't even know I have a sister have pulled that out of thier asses and called me Beth. WHY?! I don't know but its always been the one thing that truely pisses me off. I also went through a period my junior year in high school where she was focusing on me and driving insane. I literally saw her in the mirror instead of me. This one time I was leaving my house and turned and looked in the window and saw her standing inside the house instead of my reflection and it really added to the whole identity issue. So kind of putting this all together with the realization of I hurt myself because I want to hurt her, I mean its just a really big connection that I never saw before and I just was dumbfounded for a while afterwards. I mean I felt like I got hit by a train. It just felt so significant! I really feel like this is going to be an important piece to help me with my SI issues. I feel hopeful that it won't run the rest of my life. maybe someday I won't have to hide the freash burns and the scars because the scars will fade over time and there won't be any fresh wounds!
I'm sure I'll write more soon but for now I need to study for my tests next week.