rutowsle's Journal

Mother's Day was weird, I wasn't sure if I had the right to feel upset. I made my decision knowing every reason was rational, but I keep thinking that I "should" be more upset. There is definately a social stigma that you are supposed to be really upset about terminating a pregnancy but I know it was the right choice for me and the fetus. With my health the way it is it would have been a very high risk pregnancy, and the fetus would not have survived. I certainly couldn't count on a miscarriage though. I don't feel like I'm trying to convince myself but I feel like I need to convince others. I feel so judged but I'm the one judging myself. I know everyone has their own beliefs and I am fine with that, I know why I did it and I know what I believe and I am ok with it. But I almost think I'm TOO ok with it. More like I'm cold-hearted... I am trying to be confindent in the fact that this just proves how much emotional control I have now vs. three years ago when I first started therapy. Should I feel like a bad person or is ok that I'm ok? And why is this what has to bother me? I just aborted my first child! I should be able to mourn that and not feel llike I'm supposed to mourn it according to the general idea that society presents. God does that even make sense?! Am I just fuckin crazy? I can't believe I had an abortion... It seems so surreal now! I never percieved it as more than a biological response to a physical action, it was never a baby to me. It was a vessel at this point and that was all. Now I feel like I'm supposed to feel worse than I do. I can't believe how much societies generalized views have affected my mindset now. I wish I knew if this was a normal way to feel in this circumstance. This is just so foriegn to me. I don't know what to think, or say, or do. What do I do now??????