rutowsle's Journal

I've been feeling rather dead (emotionally) since wenesday night when I came so close to attempting another overdose. Of course I added to it all rather well last night. Yeah as always I find a great way to reassure myself I'm not a waisted piece of shit. I went to the bar to hang out with my friend Bettina who recently lost her husband who was 31. I had a great time, singing karaoke and talking with other friends. Then I met Mark and his younger brother Seth. Mark is 23 same age as me, very handsome, nice teeth, great smile, and just my height! 5'2"! Lol. Of course I immidiately thought he was cute and he seemed like a really nice guy which he is. But it was about two hours into knowing him he asked if he could give me a kiss on the cheek. I of course laughed and told him to take off his beer goggles. I knew exactly what was going to happen: I was going home with him to have meaningless sex. Ahh yes I always am so classy an full of self control... So what happend you ask? Well I brought Bettina home, and then dropped off another friend at their car and then went to drop off Mark at his house. Well the invitation to come up and smoke a quick one was offered and of course I ran it through my mind "I know whats going to happen if I go up." What do I do? Ignoring the voice in my head saying all the warnings of why not to go up I go up anyways! We sit we visit with his free-loading brother and uncle, smoke out of the steamroller. And then the invitation to crash there because you know the roads are bad, its 3 am and why not stay? Every inch of my body is screaming NO! Yet theres that part of me that just dies to be touched and held... Such weakness. So by 6:30 am as I lay there my body shaking and my mind is asking WHY?! Why did I do this again?! But I push it all away as I tell myself to go to sleep. Then of course I have a dream about my brother meeting him and really liking him, and my friends hanging with us as we begin to date. Always hoping that some meaningless one night stand is going to somehow lead me to the one person who'll make me feel unconditionally loved and protected. These cycles of mine, so predictable it makes me want to puke. And the kicker of the whole story! AFTER we are done, he decides to ask me if I'm clean and if I use birth control! Hindsights 20/20 huh? I know how blinded I get by sexual encounters but that just struck me as funny. I made the comment, "little late to ask now don't ya think!". Oh well, I'm meeting people at least! LMAO! That was funny, I'm funny. Lol Actually I'm a complete dork!