rutowsle's Journal

I want to take all my pills. I want to sink into sleep and never wake up! I almost had that peace last time. I shouldn't have survived. Why? Why did I live only to continue to want to end my life? There are so many people out there who disserve life, who want it. I don't, let them have mine! I wanted to take all of my pills and just not wake up in the morning. This time no one would know until it was too late. I wrote a letter to my sister Beth tonight. I burned myself after writing it. Now I just want to sleep, forever. I'm fighting with all I am to not go out to my car and get every med I have. Self mutilation please save me tonight PLEASE SAVE ME. It was so easy to swallow all those pills last time, its dangerous for me to know how easy it was. I almost want to go downstairs and wake my brother up and tell him what I want to do at this moment. But I know he has to work in the morning so I won't bother him, because in my mind thats more important than the possibility that I might sneak past him to go outside and get my pills.
Can't you see my walls are crumbling? One day I'm done the next I'm dead. Is today that day? I doubt it, but you never know. In the half hour will I go get them? Will I swallow them all? Will I leave the suicide note that I've already written for them to find before they enter my room to find my cold lifeless body? I cry because thats what I want. I want it to be over! I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to cry again.

Shh, I know its only in my head... She looks up at the building and says shes thinking of jumping. She says she tired of life but everybodies tired of something, round here... I can't see nothing, nothing... Round Here...