rutowsle's Journal

Before my suicide attempt I was doing great! (ha ha yeah right thats why I overdosed huh?) I was renting a house for the first time with two roomates, I had two jobs, one at a halfway house for women recovering from chemical dependancy, and at a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) group home with four adult women. I was working constantly, 4-10 fri, then an overnight 11-7, then sat 12 hr, 9-9, then another overnight and then another 12 sun, which usually lead into a stretch anywhere from 10 to 18 days. Then all in one night it was all gone. I went from that the ER then intesive care for a day and then to being locked up in a psych ward for 5 days... Thankfully my brother did make the decision for me to have me move home. They had me all moved by the time I got out of the hospital. No job, still had to pay rent of course, paid my portion of the bills with my last check, and unfortunately lost the friendship of my roomates. But then I started college! And worked 4 hours a day 5 days a week at a restaraunt catering to the local treament center. My grandfather paid my rent for me, he also bought me a matress so I had a bed, my parents and my brother supported me financially with the bills I couldn't afford to pay and with simple things like gas and smokes. My family surrounded me with so much support, I hate to say that I was suprised. I feel like such a complete burden! If it wasn't for my brother Nathan and his wife Anne, I wouldn't have anything, let alone a place to live! They have been there for me emotionally, financially, spiritually, educationally, I mean just every aspect of my life they give me encouragement, opportunities... How can I repay everyone for all that they have done?! I know what people have said to me, "Just live happy, and take care of yourself, its more important that your alive and well." It's not enough for me, I just want to cry and thank them profusely! I mean even now, I work for their new company, they want me to head their Day Program! Anne is more of a sister to me than Beth ever was and ever could be. And all i do is hurt them all through hurting myself... I'm such a piece of sh@t...