rutowsle's Journal

I discovered a few cuts on my arm that I don't remember doing. They aren't horrible, and because I've still been hiding the very prominent recent scars from burning I dont know how old they are. I'm sure they are from some night when I was extremely intoxicated... Considering thats been how I've spent 90 percent of the past four years. I was never a big drinker until about 4 months before I started using meth. All through high school alcohol just discusted me, now it just discusts me when I vomit, or when I realize who I slept with the night before... I hate the behaviors, but I hate myself more for having them.
Lately I've been thinking alot about Todd, I miss the companionship, but I am still so angry and so hurt over how he treated me... All we did was drink 6 or 7 nights a week, almost every week! Except of course the month he was on house arrest. I still have nightmares about some of his drunken rages. The night he ripped our bedroom door completely off, the first time he threw me into (and partially through) the wall, and our last fight; they all haunt my dreams... I was thinking about my last dream and even the feeling of his fingers digging into my shoulders is still so vivid... I don't hate him, I hate how we were together and I hate the alcohol for what it allowed us both to be. I just wish he could remember enough to apologize. Of course he tore down the walls in our old bedroom that had the multiple holes from my body and his fists.
Of all the messed up things that have happened to me, so many of them are my fault... I allow so many bad people to hurt me over and over. Seeking out what I believe myself to disserve. Why can't I think better of myself and keep company accordingly? I'm such a dunce... I should just shutup and sleep. Sleep my life and misery away and let everyone I care about be free of me and the weight I bring. Sometimes I wish I could just cry, but its when I want to most and have reason to that I just cant cry. I feel so emotionally dead sometimes, it seems I exghaust my emotions on the wrong things and when its appropriate to feel I seem incapable. I'm just a mess. I try to understand everything about myself all at once and then I get no where. Take one thing at a time, one day at a time.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference...