rutowsle's Journal

Avoidance, thats the word of the week kids... I drink to forget, I drink to escape my mind, I drink to escape myself. I feel so weak, I know I've kind of hit a plateau in my progress. I just am so tired of this whole thing. I've been actively focused on my truama and all thats its effected in my life for 3 years and I still hate myself, and I still want to die a majority of the time. Occasionally I have really good days and I know I can do it and I have all the strength I could imagine... And then the next day or two days later I continue in my old ways of thinking. I just need to find a way to keep that strength and my willpower aligned. Quit being such a loser. I can't wait for spring semester to start, schools a good way to distract myself. I did so well my 1st semester, but I still feel like such a failure. Like such an idiot. How am I ever going to actually get my AA degree? And a 4 year degree? Yeah right! I don't know what I'm thinking sometimes, I'm just gaining debt that will take me forever to pay back off.